Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Counselling and golf

Managed to cope with the day work-wise fairly well and am probably so up-to-date that I'm glowing with smugness. Counselling was hard though - seemed to take a huge journey I hadn't expected to take in that hour with Zoe, and I shall miss the sessions like hell through August now as we're not able to meet again till September. Anyway, I got to the point where I'm not enjoying the place I'm in right now (counselling-speak, I know, but it's the best way to express the stuff I have ...) - I'm feeling raw, vulnerable and frightened. And it came to me also that while I tend to look on other people (whoever they are) as the enemy and something to be placated at all costs, my real worst enemy is probably myself. Not only that, but it dawned on me that, all my life, my strong internal message has been: my personality has to be quelled in order to exist - eg don't rock the boat, don't overdramatise, don't be difficult are all messages I hear inside most of the time. All that isn't helping me learn how to be me, in spite of being able to acknowledge it. And another thing I've been finding is if I try to be honest about how things are, even in small ways, it doesn't actually make it any easier; it's as if whenever I lob a teaspoon of "me" over to another person, it just makes me even more aware of the huge pot of "me" that's bubbling away inside, and I seize up if anyone asks me anything more personal at that point as it's beyond me to explain it. Any of it. God, it's a mess. We struggle on ...

Immediately after my counselling session, we had a team coffee in Sorrento's, so I suddenly had to pull back everything from where it had been and try and act normally - it felt exhausting, and I still feel tired now.

And on top of that - golf. It was quite fun, though neither Marian and I did well - at all. But, to be honest, after the day I've had I could have done without it. And we played later than usual too, which has really cut into my evening - when I could have spent more time with Lord H and had a few good hugs. God, how I need those hugs sometimes. Lord H probably has an NVQ in hugging - or at least deserves one. Level 5.

Have just finished Maurice Caldera's "The Double Life of Daniel Glick." Hmm. A work of genius (probably), but oh how wearisome. Am so glad I've finally got through it.

Today's three nice things:

1. Counselling - not nice, but startling and necessary
2. Finishing that wretched book
3. Being at home - at last, thank the Lord.

Anne Brooke

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