Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Kinesiology appointment

This week of early starts, long and stressful days, and waves of depression is really taking its toll. I'm so tired my eyes are prickling, but I'm too on edge to sleep. Had a good session with Jane, my kinesiologist ( this morning - to be honest, so far, that's been the only high point, and everything else about today has really knocked me back. She's suggested more and different nutritional supplements for another month before she sees me again, to encourage improvement, and I'll give it a go. It's expensive, but I trust her, and I'm desperate for something to work.

Did some Goldenford ( work over lunchtime and then in the afternoon, the directors and I did a talk/reading session at the Guildford Institute. I thought it went well but I was devastated by the fact that not one of my pre-launch copies of "Pink Champagne and Apple Juice" were sold, and overwhelmed with jealousy that we sold at least one copy of all our other offerings. It felt like a real kick in the teeth and I don't feel I can handle it right now. So I took 6 in, and I took 6 back. It's hell.

Once home, I tried to sleep, but couldn't, and was subject to the usual stressed-out "God, you're rubbish" messages my head always gives me in this sort of situation. I'm seriously considering not writing anything for a while, as it just seems to be the case that you put yourself out there and nobody's interested. Not great for my customary low self-esteem issues indeed ... I've also resigned from the Writewords ( short stories group, as I definitely don't want to write any of those for a while - the effort's too much. Sometimes, and without seeming too dramatic (is that possible? Hell, it's the way I am - live with it) and as long as I can be with Lord H, it would be really, really wonderful just to vanish and not have to bother with the whole palaver any more. God, I wish.

Can't be arsed to do anything this evening - Lord H is being really sweet, and cooking chips and giving me whisky. Sometimes, alcohol and raised fat intake are the only answers. No matter what the diet police say.

Anne Brooke

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