Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Counselling and golf

Did some web stuff at work today, so that was more interesting. I enjoy doing that kind of project - far better than the meetings I have to go to.

Counselling with Zoe at lunchtime - rather difficult and intense today, but worthwhile, if I could only get my head round it. It feels as if I've forgotten how to be myself at some level, as I've been trying so hard for so long to keep people at bay by using distorted images of who I am. We were talking about how, when I'm depressed, I feel much more real - but when I'm on that level plateau again, everything feels slightly false. Most of the time, I don't really feel that much, but I'm bloody good at pretending it. Hey, so I'm good at bloody something then! The other problem is I actually don't like people that much either, but there seem to be so many of them I'm supposed to be connected to, or have some kind of relationship with. It's exhausting. Actually, to be honest, I could probably not see 99% of them again and not feel the loss; the people I really connect with are (a) Lord H - we're two of a kind, both loners at heart, and (b) Jane W - I can talk to her and she listens, without judging or assuming I'm the person I pretend to be. Apart from those two, the rest is just window-dressing. I would have been happy to be a hermit. In another life, maybe? The basic fact is right now it feels raw, and I don't know where the next stage of the journey is. But, hey, welcome to the world. It is what it is.

Golf with Marian this evening - enjoyed this, and played okay, though had one or two bad holes. Isn't that always the case?

Did about half a page of an end scene of "The Gifting" and felt I'd finally broken the silence that's been lurking around that novel for a week or so. It may not be much, but it means a lot at a time when I'm not writing with the usual commitment. And tonight, it's "The Convent" - maybe an hour of pseudo-religious pap will take the edge off the day. You never know.

Anne Brooke

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