Sunday, November 26, 2006

Church hell - again

Decided to be noble and actually go to church today. Big mistake. I would have been better off staying at home and not wasting my morning. Still, with Lord H doing his head server duties, it did mean I was able to skulk at the back and not go up to Communion. Or pretend to sing any of the hymns or say any of the words. So I suppose it wasn't all bad news, eh? And I know everyone's very well-meaning, but was it really necessary to crowd round me post-service like children exclaiming over a sick animal?? Hmm, I think not, people! It's enough to send me screaming for normality to the Buddhists ... Though, that said, Hilary was nice, and did say some sensible things about useful drugs - so thanks for that, Hilary. However, the way things are at the moment, I doubt I'll be going again for a while.

And none of this was helped by the struggle of getting through yesterday's dinner with my old university friends. Nice food though, Jane M - but I'm not really up to it right now. At one point, I felt very railroaded into agreeing to have yet another (oh God, no!!) pre-Christmas gals' social event shoved into a week where I actually want to be (a) at home with my loved one on our own and (b) quiet. It made me feel incredibly angry that they assume I'll want to do things I would have wanted to do twenty years ago. Well, frankly, I can't be arsed to have yet another social evening when I pretend to be something I'm not (which is how they seem to prefer me to be) and make them laugh a lot. Hell, find your own jokes, gals! Actually, I think the way forward is to back out at the last minute. It's what everyone else does after all. That said, I am looking forward to the dancing classes Keith W and I have decided to book for next year. And I think I've managed to get us out of going out on New Year - hurrah!

All this made my dreams last night very, very angry ones. In fact I woke up, shaking with it. It felt way too big to fit into my "anger box" - Lord H said I could always squash it into the corners, but will I be able to close the lid? It's a mystery! At one point in the dream, I remember I was a man at work who had suddenly flipped and was beating up someone I know, and then having to bring it all back under control again and think how to apologise and explain it. Hell, wouldn't it be good if you could beat people up in real life? Without the bloody repercussions. Bliss!

This afternoon, I've been cheering myself up by watching the video of "Strictly Come Dancing". Hurrah - Mark & Matt are still in! I was sorry to lose Claire & Brendan though - I really liked them. I soooo wish that ruddy tosser, Vincent, and his no-brain partner, Louisa, would go. I really can't stand them. And I'm not convinced their dancing is all that good either - and neither is Baby Bunton's, to my mind.

This week's haiku:

Spaces in my heart
let the poems through. They bleed.
Sunlight destroys them.

(Hell - on a day like today , what did you expect - sweetness and light??!!)

Today's nice things:

1. Getting out of bloody church - at last!
2. Strictly Come Dancing
3. Being at home with Lord H.

Anne Brooke

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