Really bad session at church today. As the boiler was broken, we held the service in the local pub. It felt as if there was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. I did my sacristan duties, settled myself in a corner and kept my head down. Hell, how bad I feel about God and the whole church thing right now. It seemed as if everyone else was bright and cheery whilst I was mumbling away thinking: do I really believe all this? And what the hell does it mean if I don't? We passed round communion and I managed to palm a wafer and hide it in my pocket and not drink the wine, whilst pretending to do so. The spectre at the feast indeed.
Afterwards, one of the church ladies next to me asked me how I was, and I could see she meant it, so I told her. As much as I know myself anyway. That is, that I'm fed up with church, I don't know if it means anything any more, there's lots of things I'm trying to sort out in my life right now and church is adding to the problems, not helping to solve them. I also said that, given the choice between being a Christian (ha! as if ...) and a writer, I'd choose being a writer every time, as it feels more real and more me. Bless her, she didn't blink an eye, which at least proves some people can be angels when you need them most and when you least expect them. We had a good chat, and she said I could ring/call round to see her if I felt the need. If that happens, I may well do that. It felt okay. It also felt good to have told someone how things are, and today, right now, the burden seems a little lighter. Thank ... well, whatever.
Oh, and I sneaked the wafer back into the jar afterwards. Which probably means I've committed some cardinal sin or other, but what the hell. It's only a wafer.
Golf during the afternoon with Marian and Siegi started off well, but I soon lost any sense of my game and ended up playing average-to-bad, with the emphasis on the bad. It's just too damn cold. Lunch afterwards at our place, followed by the weekly phone call to mother - yes, I'm fine; we're all fine; how are you? - and, thank goodness, it's "Invasion" and "Mayo" tonight. Where would I be without TV?
Reviewed the http://www.youwriteon.com chapters allocated to me and uploaded the opening chapters of "A Dangerous Man" in return. Will be interested to read any comments I might receive.
And today's haiku is:
Holiday week slips by.
I write, read, sleep and think,
dread the week to come.