Doctor breakdown and the sweet smell of gas

Permanently tired today – must be the result of having an okay Monday yesterday. I’m just not used to it, you know. Still, at least the headache I picked up at Tesco last night with my shopping has finally gone, hurrah! This morning, I got in super-early to work in order to psyche myself up for my Surrey Park Clinic appointment and arrived with loads of time to spare. Goodness, it’s very posh up there – so posh that working out how to get in was a bit of a mystery and in the end I waited for someone else to come out. The same problem arose on the way out, and I was forced to return to reception and beg for the secret code. Which was apparently to press the big green button marked “Press Here to Exit”. Ah well, I’m not very good with words.

Unfortunately however, after all that, the doctor I was supposed to see had broken down in her car so couldn’t make the appointment anyway. So I have rebooked for next week and over the lunchtime period, which is a rather more sensible time to be away from the demands of the desk. And at least I got to sit in a posh reception for a while – heck, I could get used to that!

But the good news is that, as it’s half-term, it meant I could actually get parked back in the University car park without driving round for thirty minutes and sobbing till a space comes free.

Had coffee with Sally at lunchtime and sorted out the woes of the world once more. Now if only they would give the two of us ultimate world power, then everything would be fine. Ho ho. Unless of course they’re trying to get rid of us – this afternoon there’s been a strange but potent smell of gas drifting round the office. I rang Estates & Facilities to ask if this was to be expected or if we were in fact all going to die, but response was there none. Heck, no wonder I’m feeling tired …! Eventual update on this – we’re not going to die (or at least not just yet) as the gas people are lurking round our office doing something strange to the boiler. Apparently we should have received a letter informing us, but obviously it hasn’t yet appeared through the internal mail system. Ah well. The University mail system swallows all but returns nothing indeed.

Oh and here’s a piece of flash fiction – the challenge being to produce something about a sailor, a journey and a pair of ballet shoes:

A change of shoes

Lord Algernon slipped the sequinned ballet shoes from his aching feet and groaned. This was absolutely the last time he played the Good Fairy in the Mission to Seafarers’ Christmas pantomime. Never mind Noblesse Oblige and all that nonsense from his shipyard workers; he’d performed the darn role each year for the last ten years and it was time to pass on the baton. Or, more accurately, the ballet shoes. But to whom?
As the distant roar from the crowds finally subsided, he heard a knock at the dressing room door.
‘Enter!’ he called out, hoping it was his butler arriving with the Dom Perignon.
It wasn’t. Instead of the craggy features and grey hair of Wilkinson, he saw a young man dressed in safari gear and carrying a large rucksack.
‘Uncle Algie!’ the young man cried, unhooking the rucksack and embracing Lord Algernon, fairy costume and all. ‘I’m back!’
‘So I see,’ the noble Lord replied. ‘Did you enjoy your trip, my boy?’
As his nephew began to regale him with tales of fierce lions, angry crocodiles and evil-minded spiders, not to mention the long voyage home, a plan began to form in Lord Algernon’s champagne-sozzled brain. Surely, anything would be better than another year of tiptoeing between various strike factions, dealing with yet more Government regulations and enduring the slow decline of business. And putting up with that damn Christmas fairy.
‘Francis, my boy,’ he cut in as soon as his nephew paused for breath.
‘Yes, uncle?’
‘I have an idea. Seeing as you’re just back from your year out, and therefore completely unemployable, why don’t you take over my role here at the family business? It would look so good on the CV.’
‘Wow, Uncle Algie! That’s wonderful! But what on earth are you going to do?’
‘Ah now, don’t you worry about that,’ Lord Algernon said, passing those pesky ballet shoes to the recently returned sailor and heading for the door. ‘I think it’s high time I went on a voyage of my own, don’t you?’

THE END


Tonight, I’m minuting the next meeting of Goldenford and hoping I have energy enough to keep up the pace set by our Leader. We’ve started planning for our next book, which will be Jacquelynn Luben’s Tainted Tree – a marvellous saga of one American woman’s search for her roots in the UK, and the family secrets she uncovers. Hopefully this will be available sometime during Spring of next year – so watch this space.

And Tony from Myspace has very kindly bought a copy of A Dangerous Man – so thanks for that, Tony, and I hope you enjoy the read. Michael is combing his hair and choosing a clean tee-shirt even as we speak. He does so like to create a good first impression these days. Lordy, but maybe I should go back on those pills again, eh …

Today’s nice things:

1. Sitting in a posh clinic for a while
2. Coffee with Sally
3. Flash fiction.

Anne Brooke
Anne's website

The Surrey woman ...

Today, I have been very "Surrey". Played golf this morning - much better than last week, thank the Lord (I couldn't have stood the shame ...) and I even sunk a hugely long putt to get four - hurrah! I know that won't mean anything if you don't play golf but, believe me, it's pretty hot! And I beat Marian, aha!, so honour has been satisfied. Not that I'm a competitive stressed-out bitch at all of course ...

Back home for my haircut, and Lynda arrived early, just as I was considering doing the cleaning, so phew what a relief! And, bless her, she's taking A Dangerous Man (http://www.flamebooks.com) on holiday with her next week (she likes the dark stuff, though she is making noises now about buying Pink Champagne and Apple Juice (http://www.goldenford.co.uk) sometime) - so hope Michael enjoys his quick trip to a Greek island. I'm sure he will - lots of hot men for him to check out, so I'm sure he'll be smiling.

And the article I sent to the Surrey Advertiser (http://www.surreyadvertiser.co.uk) about Goldenford has appeared in The Guildford Times - hurrah! It may not be quite what I intended, but hey any publicity at all is pretty good, as far as I'm concerned. We need all the help we can get!

Later on, I'll pop into Godalming to pick up a few bits and pieces - tea tree oil, Jiffy bags, Epsom salts - bloody hell, I am turning into my grandmother ... Anyway, it's all the things today's Harrassed Woman (great magazine title - I'd buy it ...) could possibly want. Naturally. Tonight, I'll be glued to the TV, sipping my wine (chilling nicely in the fridge even now, as you're asking) and thinking about doing the cleaning. Maybe ...

Today's nice things:

1. The Guildford Times article
2. Haircut
3. Golf.

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.pinkchampagneandapplejuice.com

Of humility and excellence

Was working through the personal strength questions in my "Authentic Happiness" book this morning whilst on the exercise bike (and, yes, I was peddling ...) and have found out that my humility score is excessively low (no surprises there then) but my appreciation of beauty & excellence score is rather high, thank you very much. Pause for bowing and self-congratulatory applause ... Lord H attempted to cheer me up about my appalling lack of humility by suggesting that perhaps having a low humility score is, in fact, a good thing as a high humility score would mean you could be proud about it, and then the whole point would be lost. He looked suitably smug when I told him about the beauty/excellence result and said that of course I would get a high score for that as I had been married to excellence for thirteen glorious years. Hmm. Nice to know that our humility scores may well be similar indeed.

This morning, I have played golf with Marian. Now there's a game where humility and excellence go side by side, and are sometimes experienced in the same breath. Well, in theory anyway - haven't had much of the golf excellence quota for a while now. Surely it's time for our luck to turn?

I attempted a little bit of writing, but am really fiddling around the edges of it today - am spooked by my super-active weekend and the need to keep upright and look friendly at all times. But, hey, maybe this is what Widening Participation is all about? - even sociopaths are allowed into the outside world on occasion. And I do have some fun things to look forward to: today I'm off up to London shortly to chew the writing cud over coffee with Clayton (http://www.myspace.com/dwbsoho) - and I'm sure Clayton's shop will be excellent, and I will be suitably humbled by the experience. Though I am trying to look neat (fashionable is only a distant dream, I fear ...) and comb my post-golf wild hair into some kind of control. I don't want to let you down, Clayton! It will also be nice to revisit some of Michael's (http://www.flamebooks.com) old hunting ground; I'm sure his voice is stronger today, and suspect he knows he's off to the big city soon. Characters are like that - they know more than you think, dammit ...

And, after that, I'm meeting Bryony (an old schoolfriend) for pizza and catch-up. My mother is very pleased about this, as she's always loved Bryony (ah, such a nice girl, dear - why can't you be more like her? ...). I am also pleased, as we can talk without having to chat, hurrah! If you see what I mean.

Oh, and I've had some communication with my agent (http://www.johnjarrold.co.uk/about.html) today. We've decided (I think) that the only way to squeeze me into any major publishers' schedules is to rename me so I sound like dubious minor royalty (is there any other kind?). So goodbye Brooke and hello Baron Blackthornton-Smythe. Ah, the Baron - a fine old gent, you know, and a dab hand at croquet. Strangely, I can picture him already - tall and lean, 50s, silvering hair, piercing green eyes, and a butler who is secretly in love with him. Bloody hell, somebody pass me the anti-psychosis pills - I think I feel a plot coming on ...

And welcome back to Wayne (http://www.myspace.com/wblackhurst) who has been missing from Myspace for way too long due to Orange problems. Welcome back, Wayne - we've missed you!

Today's nice things:

1. Golf
2. Meeting Clayton ...
3. ... and meeting Bryony.

Anne Brooke (AKA The Baron)
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.pinkchampagneandapplejuice.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk

A day of two halves ...

Very up and down today, I must say. In that order. Both me-wise and weather-wise. This morning was good. On all fronts (ho ho). Went into Guildford early and stocked up on underwear at Marks & Spencer. Where would I be without that shop? Today I've been bold and rebellious and actually bought bras that weren't white. Or black. Which are my usual bra colours. No, today I have bought, amongst other items, one pink and one light taupe bra. So I feel wild and free and liberated. Hurrah.

Also had a counselling session with Kunu. As I did things I enjoyed at the weekend, I think she's pleased with me. Though of course I know that isn't the object of the exercise. We talked about shopping and the Quakers, about friends and books. We agreed that perhaps the reason why I've been stuck on the last chapter of The Gifting is that I've been worried for days about whether I should or shouldn't go up to London to see the university gals. Then when I make the decision yesterday not to go, I felt some inner knot untie itself (heck, there's psycho drama for you) and then spent some time late last night telling Lord H what my last chapter would contain. Hell, it all came flooding out, and I had to rush to scribble the notes down. Luckily he has promised to expunge it from his memory so it won't spoil his reading if it ever comes to the page. Zip zip and the memory is gone ... it's amazing how Lord H can do that, y'know. Must be a boy thing.

Anyway, back at the counselling, Kunu is sure there's a link there somewhere. We talked about the uni gang for a while actually, and I think the trouble is that we're all performers to some extent or other. I think we spent a lot of time when we first met pretending things were different than they actually were. Sometimes that particular group friendship is like being on stage and we're all performing our own versions of a play which doesn't quite gel. Maybe over the years we've all changed so much and yet still, whenever we meet, we're back performing our usual roles, come what may. It can make it feel - at least for me - very awkward, and I get very tense and jittery about it all. And yet ... and yet ... I freely admit that, without them, I would never have managed to get through university. Or indeed my early 20s. Where did it all start to change? God knows. Maybe I should invite them all round for my birthday in June and just have a normal chat. Whatever that is. Again, God knows. I'm in two minds. As ever.

Though I have to say in my defence that it's not only me who's decided not to go to London tomorrow - someone else has dropped out to. For reasons more valid than mine. But at least it makes me feel less guilty. Which makes a bloody change then.

After counselling, I popped for tea & chat at Jane H's (hello, Jane!). This was lovely - I really enjoyed it. Sooo relaxing. And we covered so many topics. From recycling (we are both very excited about the new food recycling project in Guildford - my, how "Surrey" we both are indeed! - and I am desperate for it to come to Godalming too ..) to my mother's strange feelings about houses (they have atmospheres, you know), from the children (eat your veggies, little people, and stop pouting ...) to horse-riding, and from Roman soldiers to hearing voices (me, not her, I hasten to add, but then you knew that ...). Talking of which, Jane's mother has also apparently read A Dangerous Man (http://www.flamebooks.com) and was desperately worried that I'd had some past trauma that caused me to write such stories and was wanting to know how to help. Jane was able to reassure her, saying apparently that it was only that I heard Michael's voice in my head and just wrote down what he was trying to say. Strangely, this did reassure her - perhaps finding out that I'm probably a complete nutter was not a total surprise ... Still, I was very touched she'd been worried - so thank you, Mrs R.

Also, whilst at Jane's, I ordered some more Nutrimetics (http://www.nutrimetics.co.uk) products, so won't have to worry about running out of same. Hurrah!

Back home, I come to my emails, and was instantly plunged into the slough of despond to realised that my first quarter (ie 13 Feb to end March) sales of ADM have been ... um ... 44. Which Flame Books have now understandably downgraded from good sales to promising sales. To be honest, I'm surprised that anyone should think 44 is good sales, but perhaps they all came in the first two weeks and they were hoping the sudden spurt would continue. Ah well. No, I'm sounding too philosophical now. Actually, I cried, but it did start raining at the same time so at least I'm doing my bit for the ongoing literary tool of pathetic fallacy. To be honest, I was upset as I was hoping it might be in the 80s figure, maybe even more (though that for me would be serious dreamland only 2 months or so after publication). Though, once I'd dried my tears and had a banana, I checked my records and did remember that I've sold 11 copies myself, so have dragged the figure up single-handedly to 55. Hurrah indeed. So, in royalties terms (the 11 sold author copies don't count of course for that), I've made £35.20. Which I won't get of course as they don't, understandably, pay royalties until the figure goes over £100. My, how it makes me laugh when people think I earn money from books. Slap my thighs and build me a garret.

And, if I'm trying to be sensible, I will be lucky if I reach 100 copies sold with this one. Michael is a specialised (and possibly very acquired) taste. Looking back on my past books, The Hit List has only sold 93 in the three years since I published it, and Pink Champagne and Apple Juice (my biggest success so far!) has only sold 105 since last year. So the disappointing sales of ADM are, I suppose, at least par for the course. I pride myself, however, on having round about 40 very discerning readers - to you all, thank you. I hope you might read me again. Small is beautiful indeed. Should any publisher ever be idiotic enough to take yet another chance on me, that is.

Meanwhile, the rain has stopped and the sun is trying to come out. Ye gods, I know how it feels.

And I've done about 1000 words to The Gifting. Which, under the circumstances of feeling like a demolition tool had whacked me in the stomach, is pretty good going, I think! Oh, and bizarrely I've had two emails and two phone calls from the university gang, in various sexes. And I know I should be answering them and being normal in some way but, really, I just can't summon the emotional energy for that right now. Sorry, gang. It's beyond me at the moment.

Tonight, it's the Goldenford (http://www.goldenford.co.uk) meeting, so I shall keep my head down, have no opinions, agree with everything and just take minutes. I think that's the way through it. And maybe a sherry or two when I get home. Oh yes, please God yes.

Today's nice things:
1. Counselling
2. Seeing Jane H
3. Writing.

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com

Small flashes and larger words

Goodness, what a literary day today. The boss is back too, so we have to look super-professional and cutting-edge. Not that we don’t always look like that, of course – it’s just that we have to expunge that tell-tale trace of panic from our eyes …

Anyway, did a fair amount of website stuff, which I always enjoy, mainly on the Mentoring site, and we have plans for the Health Centre site too. Hurrah. About time it got updated. I’m sure we still have stuff about the Bubonic plague up there somewhere, if I looked closely enough. Groan.

And what fun I’ve had with the University rejiggling of the bank holidays. A concept which is seriously pissing me off, if only for the complexity of the new regime we have to do – but frankly I can’t be arsed to make a fuss. For once. Anyway, the powers that be have decided that bank holidays and University closure days are not fair for part-timers, as those part-timers (such as myself) who work the beginning of a week get to take and enjoy more bank holidays than those who work the end of a week. A concept, I admit, that even I can understand. However, instead of doing the sensible thing and just chucking in a few more holiday days for those people who work the end of the week – as I would have done – they’ve decided to subject the bank holidays of all part-time people to a series of mathematical formulae designed to work out an even balance. Allegedly. So, David and I have pored over this, sighed a lot and finally worked out that I am (possibly) allowed to have 9 bank holiday/University closure days in one academic year. However, as there are actually 13 in total, this means I owe the University four days up to and including March 2008. As a result, I have to either work an extra day in a bank holiday week, or take it as part of my leave, or as unpaid leave up to the value of four. Ye gods, no wonder Higher Education is struggling. So now I have a natty little spreadsheet designed to work it all out as I go along, which I have designed myself, and a pretty nifty headache.

To cap it all, my case is easy, as at least I work full days when I am here. Those people, such as Andrea in the Dean of Students’ Office, who only work partial days have to work it all out in hours. It’s astonishing we have time for anything else at all, really.

Had a UniSWriters meeting at lunchtime, which was thin on the ground as some people were sick (we missed you, Julia! – hope you’re better soon) or on training days, but we had some very good discussions about the manuscripts and about the publishing business. They were also very helpful about cuts and changes I needed to make to the poem I took along too, so that was great. Oh, and Jenny at the Library is going to come to next week’s Book Circle discussion of A Dangerous Man (http://www.flamebooks.com) and has even read it in preparation (thanks, Jenny!), so at least there might be more than a couple of people there. Which will be nice. I’ve decided now that if there’s only a few of us and we run out of things to say, then we can always sneak off early to the pub. Heck, I’m sure Michael would approve.

Oh, and Angela who used to come to UniSWriters but left the University last year rang up for some emergency publishing information. I don’t see myself as the font of all knowledge, in any area, but it was lovely to talk to her again. My advice was, as always: send stuff out to agents/publishers before trying the self-publishing route. After all, I’m very much for having both routes to markets open (as you well know). In any case, I strongly advised her against using AuthorHouse, which she was initially keen to do – their reputation isn’t good, from what I’ve heard. Thankfully, I think I convinced her.

Back with my colleagues, we’ve had an in-depth discussion about the injustices of the social/work system with regard to non-child producing people. Now, I know I’m not a great fan of the concept of The Child, but I would like to say that I entirely agree with the provisions of maternity/paternity leave and think it’s a Good Thing. However, at the same time, I’ve always felt it discriminates strongly (as society does, to my mind) against those people who choose not to have children. I mean: hey, where’s my nice lot of leave when I produce something valuable or simply want to take a long tranche of paid/partially paid time off, eh? I don’t see why people without children can’t have some similar perks also. We all work hard enough, after all. However, I feel I’m a lone voice in this – well, Ruth at work agrees too, so perhaps together we can form a small splinter group. Child-free too.

Tonight, I’m off to Guildford Writers with the start of Chapter Three of The Gifting, so hope to get helpful comments on that. I’m still worrying about my last chapter, darn it. I did scribble down a couple of paragraphs last night, but hadn’t really got to the crux of the scene. Ah well. Perhaps it’ll all be all right on the night. You never know.

And I've written a piece of flash fiction for the next Writewords (http://www.writewords.org.uk) group challenge:

Carbon Copy
Genevieve lay back on the couch and sighed. At her feet, two scantily-clad young men massaged her lascivious toes. Bliss. They’d work their way upwards. In time. It had been a while since she’d been able to afford enough tokens for a double session and once again she thanked her long-dead grandmother for the ancient typewriter and carbon paper she’d recently discovered in the attic. It was amazing what the authorities would believe. These days.



Today’s nice things:

1. UniSWriters
2. Writing a piece of flash fiction
3. Guildford Writers

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk

V-Cs, wasps and saints days

St George’s Day today – so happy St George’s Day to all. I gather that Guildford is making a big thing of this, but as I’m not able to go to town in the lunch-hour (in any sense), then I can’t confirm anything. Lord H and I were wondering if we should re-enact the traditional slaying of the dragon by the good saint himself, but were unable to agree on which of us should take which part. So this mini-drama has, I’m afraid, had to be shelved for now. However, at work I have taken out my red, white and blue fluffy pen and given her (or possibly him, but it’s hard to say) pride of place. The saint will be smiling, I’m sure.

And of course it’s Shakespeare’s birthday, so great cause for rejoicing. And … um … his death day, so something more of a bummer really. My though, what a party that must have been. (Happy birthday, Will! Hope you like the present … Oh. Obviously you didn’t. Ah well …). But it does give a nice sense of completion, I have to say.

Oh, and I was cheered yesterday by realising that A Dangerous Man (http://www.flamebooks.com/) is actually on someone’s Wish List on Amazon – and can be seen at the Number Two position on “Jem’s” list here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/pdp/profile/ACEA95FQS1AVP - thanks, Jem! I’ve never been on anyone’s wish list before, and it’s a great honour. Talking of which, I find that ADM and I are not only in the University summer arts calendar today – advertising the forthcoming Book Circle discussion on 30 April – but are also on the University intranet news page - which I'm afraid you can't see, but bearing in mind the pic that may be a good thing!

This morning, I have finished off my updates to the Mentoring Handbook and have given it to Carol once more to check. We’ve decided that it will be best housed in A5 files, so we can easily update stuff on an ongoing basis – but you wouldn’t believe how few options the office supply people give on A5 paper or files. Hobson’s choice really. But it does give me a secretarial buzz to be looking at paper and wondering which I like best – almost makes me feel useful.

And I’ve decided to cancel next week’s Kinesiology (http://www.kinesiology4health.com/) appointment in Petersfield and not book any more at the moment, as I’m not sure that I’m learning anything else in my occasional visits - though Jane Phillips is a lovely woman and very good at what she does. It seemed like the right thing to do – and if I do want any further advice I can always make an appointment in Guildford, which is in any case much closer to home. So, I’ve written her a letter to thank her, as that seemed the right thing to do too.

This lunchtime, we had another talk from the Vice-Chancellor about the restructuring. Groan. Mind you, his super-fast delivery meant that I took very little in – which once again may indeed have been his purpose. We were all talked-at into submission by the time the questions slot came round. So I popped out for my lunchtime walk later than usual in order to get my brain functioning again – and saw that we have two baby coots on the lake. Or possibly moorhens, but I can’t tell. The mother had a white beak and the babies red beaks, so perhaps it’s our first cross-breeding? Who knows?

However, it’s not all good news and caviare, I’m afraid – an online friend of mine emailed me today to say she hadn’t really enjoyed poor old ADM at all, the reasons being because it just didn’t gel for her and because she thought I’d left too much of Michael’s traumas until the end. In addition she felt he had much more to say than I’d allowed, and it should have been far darker and more violent. This came as quite a punch (which probably only goes to show what a pathetically sensitive sad git I am, I’m sure …), partly because it’s my first bad review and partly because it was someone I was utterly convinced would like it. A lot. I also felt gutted at the comment that I hadn’t given Michael enough of a voice, especially when I’d felt I’d really gone to the depths with him, and back again. I know she’s being nice and is obviously perfectly entitled to a reaction, but I must admit it hurts. However, a wry smile (of sorts) was raised when I read the comment that she hoped this wouldn’t upset me. Um, I’m only human! Still one very stiff gin later and I’m slowly unfurling. A little.

Tonight, Lord H is out at theology, and I’m going to attempt to start my last scene in The Gifting, even though I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing and am scared to death by it. It really feels like I’ve bitten off far, far more than I can actually chew and, however I write the ending, it’s going to be pants. I simply don’t feel that I can end Simon’s story in the way he deserves and that any of the cats I can pull out of the bag now won’t be any bigger or any fluffier than the cats I’ve pulled out before, as the story’s gone along. Bummer. Again. In all of my other novels (well, most of them anyway …), I’ve known as I approached it what the ending would be – but I’m going to be spitting into a vacuum for this one, I fear. Boy, does this writer have cold feet about it – my toes are barely hanging on. Still, this isn’t the spirit that won (or indeed lost) the empire, so I’ll just have to grit my teeth and slog on. Grinning wildly …

And my 55 word fiction, “When the phone rang” has won the Bird and Moon (http://www.birdandmoon.com/55words/) Readers’ Choice award for February (hurrah!) and can be found here: http://www.birdandmoon.com/55words/readerschoice.html - so that’s cheered me greatly.

Oh, and I’ve had my first real battle with a wasp. I was doing the recycling when that terrible humming began in the hallway and I realised I was trapped outside the flat with no phone and no means of alerting Lord H who was having a quick bath prior to theology. I did try the neighbours but they weren’t in, so I couldn’t ring from theirs. So I had to wait 15 minutes for Lord H to finish his bath and wonder where I was. Lucky he noticed, eh! Still, he despatched the evil striped beast with his usual finesse and I could come home again. Phew. Damn lucky it wasn’t raining either …

And thank goodness there’s “New Tricks” on TV later – just the light relief I need, I suspect.

Today’s nice things:

1. Being on an Amazon wish list
2. The double University advertising splash
3. The 55 word award.

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com/
http://www.goldenford.co.uk/

Reflexology, more reviews and the curse of the Japanese toilet

Was thrilled last night when Roger Morris (http://rogersplog.blogspot.com/), author of the marvellous Taking Comfort and the mysterious and much-praised A Gentle Axe, emailed me with a few comments on A Dangerous Man (http://www.flamebooks.com) which can be found here: http://therapsheet.blogspot.com/2007/04/looking-to-future.html under the entry for 16 April, half way down, or as below:

“Another small publisher with an interesting list, and an original approach, is Flame Books. It’s the publisher of the novel I’m reading at the moment, a crime work called A Dangerous Man, by Anne Brooke. A Dangerous Man has garnered praise from no less a writer than Andrew Taylor, who described it as “a dark and chilling parable about art, love and murder.” What’s remarkable about Anne Brooke’s work is her ability to enter convincingly and with extraordinary empathy into the milieus of her protagonists, which I imagine are very different from her own. I don’t know for sure, but I don’t believe she has that much direct experience of male homosexual prostitutes, which makes this a bold and brave book for her to write. I’m all for brave, bold books.”

Gosh, thanks, Roger. Much appreciated. I’m not sure that Michael and I ever feel either brave or bold actually, but there you go …! But, heck, both of us are really pleased you’re liking the book.

At work, it’s been slow but steady, and I’m still ploughing my way through my conference notes. Groan. I was however both cheered and brought back to reality again (as he didn’t like the ending, which is fair enough, and, for the purposes of being honest about my reviews, I’m reproducing as much as I can without spoiling the plot) by an email from Jay Mandal, author of A Different Kind of Love and Slubberdegullion amongst other work (http://www.bewrite.net), who has just finished ADM and says the following:

“I always knew you could write, and this was very, very good. I thoroughly enjoyed it … You’ve found ‘your voice’ (I hate that expression, too). Stick with it. It was taut, edgy, gripping, exciting, a page turner, and I read it slowly because I didn’t want to finish it. It was powerful and passionate, and I wished I’d written it myself. I was really on Michael’s side … The ending was the only thing where I felt let down. I don’t mean sad … I mean I thought it might have been better if it had ended differently. Obviously this is just a personal opinion … Not only did it seem too bleak, but also too out of character.”

Thanks, Jay, for all the comments. They’re much appreciated also. It’s good to get a different view but I must say that, speaking as someone who’s had Michael in her head for years, both he and I honestly feel I couldn’t have ended it any other way. It was the part of the book where his voice and mine gelled the most. Writing it that way felt fantastic and just seemed so fitting. But I do understand that people will find it difficult.

Anyway, all this excitement got me through to lunchtime, when I had a blissful reflexology session and just chilled. I think I might try some Reiki next time, as Emily (http://www.optimum-fitness.co.uk) always adds a couple of minutes of Reiki (at foot level, strange to say!) after my session and I really love it. I certainly need to get my energy levels in some kind of balance, but heck I’ve always known that.

Oh, and Lord H has told me there is apparently some kind of excitement over the curse of the Japanese toilet on the news. It appears that the new craze in Japan is to have electronically heated toilets/bidets (gross thought in itself!) which do virtually everything for you bar the washing-up (though maybe that’s not a good phrase to use in the same sentence as “bidet” …). Unfortunately, the electronics has gone wrong so some of them burst into flame without warning. Scary!! So just when you thought that all you had was a nice warm bottom, beware … Nobody’s been injured yet (thank goodness! Though how could you ever tell anyone!?...), so thank God for small mercies, eh …

Tonight, I might do a bit of scribbling but we’ll see. I’m also aiming to watch “Sea of Souls” on TV, which is probably too scary for my delicate constitution, but I do enjoy the classy pap of it.

And finally, on a more serious note and bearing in mind my part-time paid occupation, I’d like to extend sympathies and a terrified kind of understanding to the staff and students of Virginia Tech University. Dear God, it could happen to any of us institutions here in the Higher Education world, as it’s already happened in too many schools. But why oh why didn’t they at least try to shut the whole darn thing down after the first incident?? I know it’s a virtually impossible task in something the size and structure of a normal campus, but you would have thought something could have been done. I hope we’ll all learn lessons from this, in every way. Please God.

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk

Back to the grindstone

First day back at work - argghh!!! Though actually it hasn't been as horrific as I'd feared. I even got all my emails cleared by about 11.30am, which was nice. A ruddy miracle too! And the blessed Ruth had saved me some small chocolate eggs from Easter and left them on my desk as a welcome back, so I could have married her and had her babies there and then. Not only that but she'd left a large chocolate egg in the fridge, so it's like heaven in Student Care Services at the moment. Chocolate heaven.

I spent lunchtime wandering round the lake and sitting watching it. The trees on the walk to the public carpark are absolutely stunning (and I'm not usually a great nature fan. Nature? Bah! Red of tooth and claw ...) - a riot of pink blossom. I felt quite happy looking at that, and indeed at the lake. Two moments of happiness in one day? And at work? What in the world is happening to me??

This afternoon, we didn't get a great deal done. It was Penny's birthday so we went over to Student Advice (where she works) and had chocolate (surprise!) cake and an hour's chat. You can tell the boss isn't in ... It was great. Penny's actually leaving in two weeks' time and I shall miss her like crazy though. She's the voice of cynicism in a world of niceness. And how we need those!

Ooh, I've just finished reading Paul Burston's (http://www.myspace.com/paulburston) new novel, Lovers and Losers. I really enjoyed it - I loved the characters, and it's a warm-hearted and fun tale. Must admit to thinking that the book cover doesn't do justice to the book, which is far warmer and more humane than the plastic-looking front cover would have you believe. So don't be put off - buy it anyway! It's great!

And the lovely Gillian (http://www.myspace.com/gillian75) has emailed me to say how much she enjoyed A Dangerous Man (http://www.flamebooks.com) and that she's in love with Michael. So thanks, Gillian - much appreciated - and that makes 3 of us now! Michael will be pleased. He never thought that, apart from me, he'd have much of an ardent fan club ... Gillian has also been kind enough (thanks again, Gillian ...) to leave a comment on the Flame Books Myspace site (http://www.myspace.com/flamebooks) so I hope that means they will smile upon me for a while. I can be Good Author sometimes, you know!

Tonight, once Lord H (now happier again and standing at the edge of his cave, phew ...!) returns from the shops, I shall chill with a capital C, maybe with a well-deserved G&T in my hands, and look forward to "New Tricks" on TV. Just the thing to do the ironing to. Dammit.

Today's nice things:

1. Lovers and Losers
2. Chocolate eggs at work
3. TV

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk

Second Amazon review and A Stranger's Table request

Great joy this morning to discover a second five-star Amazon review (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dangerous-Man-Anne-Brooke/dp/0954594568/ref=sr_1_4/202-0915331-5590251?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1176559428&sr=8-4) for A Dangerous Man (thanks, Sue! Great pseudonym too!...), which I reproduce below:

"I thought the novel was suspenseful, unsettling and well paced and took me into a world that is totally alien to me; that of gay men and the art world. Although the main character, Michael, is not your normal type of hero - in fact he is a very dark personality indeed - I felt a real empathy for him and I found myself rooting for him until the end (even when he had stepped over the boundary into criminality). The final chapters of the book are gripping as the shadows that have been stalking Michael come to the surface and threaten to ruin his all too brief taste of success. There is a sense of foreboding as the reader realises that there is surely tragedy ahead for Michael and the people who surround him. I thought the writing throughout was excellent, particularly in the final more violent scenes, and I found it easy to visualise what was being played out in front of me. I was sorry to be coming to the end of the novel so I left the final few chapters until later in the day to savour reading them - what a sign of a good book that is!"

Glad you enjoyed it, ... um, Poohbunny(!), and thanks for putting it up there. Much appreciated!

I've also, much to my delight, had a request for A Stranger's Table (http://www.poetrymonthly.com), which has cheered me no end. Hey, someone out there likes poetry! So, many thanks, Richard - and a signed copy will be in the post to you on Monday. Finally, as the ultimate hat-trick, I see I am in this month's edition of Writers' News (http://www.writersnews.co.uk), and that Michael and Flame (http://www.flamebooks.com) are mentioned, so that's lovely too. All three of us are very pleased, I'm sure.

The rest of my day so far has been spent lolling around aimlessly and squeezing out some more words to The Gifting. I've also attempted to contact my agent, but at the moment it seems to be a one-way track so I'm not holding out a great deal of hope (John? Are you there? Come out if you're still in the building ...). Perhaps he'll show greater interest once I've completed the novel, especially as fantasy is his genre of expertise - there's always that hope anyway! And, of course, as I'm very much a Z-list author, I imagine there's not a deal of point in him spending much time on me until I can deliver the goods. So, don't wait up then, at least not in terms of the big publishers, methinks ... Sigh.

And I've just watched An American in Paris on TV - lost of fun with Gene Kelly, the joys of tap-dance and some good one-liners, though I could have done without the ridiculous dance schmalz extravaganza at the end. A wasted ten minutes there, to my mind. Though I loved the character of the cynical concert pianist - great!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Lord H has entered one of his periodic silent zones (more silent than usual anyway ...), during which he speaks to no-one, particularly me, and mooches round the flat sulking. I've learnt over the years that he's best left to it, and am hoping that he emerges from the male cave in a day or two. Question to the boys: just what is it you do in that darn cave anyway??! Last year, he actually managed a week, but then again I was out a lot in the evenings that time, so may not have noticed as much (bad wife! Bad wife!...). Still, we'll see, and if I want idle chatter, I can always switch the TV on. Or ring Mother (yikes! That's worse!). Mind you, the good thing is that during such times, he does get a lot of DIY done, and even now is doing something peculiar with a new bookcase. So it's not all bad news and lettuce. (Lord B-I-L: if you're there, and have any good family tips, don't keep them to yourself!!...)

Tonight, I'm hoping they'll show Dr Who and it won't be kicked out due to overtime in some silly sports match or other (pause for brickbats to be lobbed!...). And I might try for some more scribbling. Might even get to the end of a page - who knows?

Today's nice things:

1. The Amazon review
2. The request for A Stranger's Table
3. Being in Writers' News magazine

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk

Counselling, virtual worlds and a wasp battle

Had to get up at a non-writers time today (ie before 9am - ye gods, how will I survive the length of the day?...) in order to get to my Counselling appointment this morning. We talked about families and church. So no change there then. But I have now got to the point when I realise that, for the moment, I'm not going to go back to St Peter's. And I'm not looking for another CofE church to replace them either. Hell, it feels like a decision, and it also feels as if I'm finally - at least in one small part of life - attempting to be me and make my own choices. Rather than attempting to please everyone else and do what is expected. I may well go to the local Quaker meeting in Godalming this Sunday, but it will depend on how I feel on the day. We'll see. It is interesting though that last week I did finally get round to opening the bumph the Quakers sent me a couple of months ago. The envelope has been lurking at the side of the sofa for so long that I was starting to forget about it entirely. But it's open now, and even partially read. Again, we'll see.

Kunu's parting shot this morning was to say that I should look into enjoying more in life, rather than being hung up with achieving lots. She's said it before, I know, but it doesn't come easily. Maybe my achievement conveyor-belt lifestyle is what's stopping me being me, properly at least. Hmm, another thought to ponder a while. I fear. Anyway, whilst in town, I mooched around Marks & Spencer for a while, wondering where all the lovely things they show us on TV are actually kept, and failing to find them. Asking an assistant is way too much commitment. But I did find some nice t-shirts for £5, and in a 3-for-2 offer, so may well pop back in on Saturday to make real-live purchases. If it comes under my new enjoyment quota, that is.

At home, I've typed up more of the current scene from The Gifting onto the computer. And I know where that part of the book is going now, so that's clarified things for me. Just have to write the ruddy stuff really. Once again, a slower writing day today, but it's - hell - enjoyable.

I've also broken my one last connection with St Peter's; I've cancelled my standing order to them, emailed the church treasurer to tell him this (though I don't expect any reply, as these days it seems that neither church people nor my old university set have the courtesy to answer any of my missives any more. At least not in ways I can understand, bitch bitch!...). In its place, I've sent off a form to give regular payments to the Yvonne Arnaud theatre (http://www.yvonne-arnaud.co.uk) in Guildford. Well, I've worked out that I get far more enjoyment from the theatre than I do from the church, so what the hell, eh.

This afternoon, I paid Gladys a short visit - she was worrying about dandelions in the garden and a small fallen tree, but has a man coming on Monday to sort it out. I'm always a great approver of men who come to sort things out. A wonderful and dying breed. Sadly. Also, I was incredibly brave (for me) as there was a nasty looking wasp in her living room whilst we were talking, and I managed to (a) not scream and run sobbing from her house, and (b) get rid of it through the window for her. Really, I'm astonished at myself. It's probably my Courage Quota for the month. Maybe even the year. And please God don't let there be the swarms of wasps there were last year - I really can't stand it! It's like being invaded. In my own home too. Damn it.

Ooh, and Flame Books (http://www.flamebooks.com) have joined Myspace (http://www.myspace.com/flamebooks) and sent me a Friends invite. Thanks, Sean! Much appreciated, and welcome to the strange virtual world we all dwell in these days. Sadly though, so far I seem to be Sean's only friend, so I hope his social calendar fills up soon. If Michael had a Myspace profile, I'd send him round at once, of course.

Talking of virtual worlds, I must admit that I have times of getting really fed up with the Writewords (http://www.writewords.org.uk) world these days. It is (or it was) a good site, and the Groups are great, but I think the forums are getting way too cumbersome and sometimes downright unfriendly these days. Possibly it might be a victim of its own success, which is a shame. Recently I've found myself trying not to get involved with it quite so much, and I definitely feel far less supported on there than I used to be. There's just too many people, and the personal touch has gone, to my mind. Though I really don't want to leave it entirely, especially as parts of the site are incredibly useful, actually I feel far happier on Myspace, to be honest.

And I've just finished reading Jed Rubenfeld's The Interpretation of Murder. Marvellous novel - a pleasure to read, although I do think it was rather too convoluted, especially towards the end. But that doesn't matter, as the characters are just so hot, and it's got some top-notch one liners. A delight really. Go out and read it before they make the film.

Tonight, I'm planning some more scribbling, and it's Catherine Tate on TV later. Bliss. I love her. We redheads must stick together. I always admire a woman with attitude. Bliss.

Today's nice things:

1. Writing
2. Winning a battle with a wasp - for once
3. The pleasures of Rubenfeld's book.

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk

Amazon review and a better writing day

Was thrilled yesterday to get an email from an old school friend whom I haven't heard from for ages - it really made my evening, and my morning today indeed as she replied to my reply, hurrah! We're currently trying to make a date for catch-up, now we're both over our 2006-ish traumas (God, what a year that was ...), so hope I'll be able to see her soon. Not only that but the thrice-blessed woman has actually gone and ordered my books through Amazon - for which huge thanks indeed. This means that for the first time in a long time my Pink Champagne and Apple Juice (http://www.goldenford.co.uk) Amazon rating has gone up to 5 figures instead of the usual 6, and A Dangerous Man (http://www.flamebooks.com) and A Stranger's Table (http://www.poetrymonthly.com) have both received their first rating entirely. Doubt any of them will remain at the 5 figure marker for long though, but it's nice to see for today at least.

And talking of Amazon, Michael has received his first review!! A five-star one at that. My cup indeed runneth over. The link (but be warned - it does carry some spoilers so look away from the next paragraph now if you haven't read it yet!) is: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dangerous-Man-Anne-Brooke/dp/0954594568/ref=sr_1_4/202-0915331-5590251?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1176304434&sr=8-4 and the actual text is:

“I read this book in two sittings. My first thoughts were God! I wish I felt as passionate about anything as Michael does about his art … 'Fingers, hand, pencil even thought are one ... as the glow burns ... explodes like a shock of water'. The whole time I was thinking this is how a writer feels, an artist feels … For me he became a man obsessed with his need to understand and to try to express the dichotomy existing within him. To understand how to make sense of existing in an alien external world full of darkness and acute, cutting edges so at odds with his gentler sensuous vulnerable interior life. Jack, the urbane, the sophisticated, symbolised all he aspired to. As I read on I felt this was the nub of the real tragedy, a man torn between two such potent desires and that there wasn't going to be an easy answer. But I was totally unprepared for the final part. This novel reaches the height of true tragedy. I couldn't bear for Michael to destroy the man he loved, the gentle, the sensuous, loving part of himself. I found it more grievous to bear than anything I've ever read, at least Othello was torn by motives of jealousy. But the final pages of ADM revealed the horrific dilemma of a young man programmed by his abusive background and in the last resort unable to escape it. I wept for Michael, I wept for the pity of it all. This is a far greater book than the much acclaimed 'Line of Beauty' which lacks the driving energy of your theme. It just has to do well.”

End of Spoiler Alert! And huge thanks to Megsl who gave me that review. I really appreciate it. I'm glad too that you think it's better than Line of Beauty - especially as that was a book I couldn't stand, even though it won the Booker. Lord knows why - a load of twaddle to my mind, and dull twaddle at that. And nothing at all like the 80s. Michael, bless him, wouldn't have got on with any of them.

The rest of my day has been spent scribbling more of the childhood escape scene in The Gifting. It's flowing a lot easier today - again, Lord knows why - and I'm feeling quite enthused about it. So much so that I suspect the scene will be longer than I anticipated at the outset and will take on something of its own life and length. Which is good news for me if that happens as really, m'dears, I don't have a fecking clue most of the ruddy time what I'm supposed to be doing. And also good news for Simon, as it's a key scene which unlocks much of what has happened. Again, I hope. But honestly who can tell? If bloody LOB won the bloody Booker, ye gods, none of us is safe from disappearing up our own arses. And, yes, you can quote me on that.

By the way, did I mention Michael got a five-star review on Amazon?

And I really must say how utterly marvellous last night's final episode of Life on Mars was. It had me gripped all the way through, and the ending was full of wonderful twists and turns which we just soooo right. The final scenes were perfect. In every sense. Which, as I mentioned to Laura on MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/lauracwilkinson) earlier just goes to show that we have every right to kick the buggers who say that TV is not an art form into permanent touch. From last night's viewing (and indeed other programmes) it most certainly is. But, hell, I'm going to miss Sam & Gene and the gang. Pass me the ruddy tissues ...

Speaking of which, there's not a ruddy thing on TV tonight, as far as I can see, so I may have to watch a mindless video (an art form in its own right, surely) or scribble some more of the novel. We'll see.

Oh, and did I say that Michael got a five-star Amazon review? He's really so pleased.

Today's nice things:

1. Michael got a five-star ... hell, you can guess the rest
2. Hearing from my old schoolfriend
3. Having a day when the writing seemed to work - hurrah!

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com

Michael reaches the Amazon ...

Rather cold-ridden today, I'm afraid, so have been lolling on the sofa with smelling salts pressed to my nose and a wet flannel clutched to my forehead. How charming. I like to think I'm a modern-day Lydia Languish, but fear the true image is more prosaic than that. Ah well. Never put your daughter on the stage.

I was going to do lots of writing, and leap into Godalming to stock up on essential oils and the Surrey Advertiser, not to mention visiting Gladys, but I have done none of the above. Well, I have done some writing, though as the stuff I put into The Gifting balanced more or less with the stuff I took out, the wordcount remains similar, alas. Ha! I've always wanted to use "alas" in a sentence and now I have. Hurrah. That said, I now have Simon almost at the end of his water experiences, which means I only have two big scenes to go and then the first draft is done. Ye gods indeed. The penultimate scene is his final story-telling one, which will be - I hope - the key to everything. I'm not starting it today though. I need a fresh morning for that. And a less snotty nose. But I might well do another poem on art - there's one lurking somewhere in the ether so I'll have to see whether I can entice it out. It'll be something to do while Lord H is at the Maundy Thursday service tonight doing his server duties and keeping the priest in order.

Which brings me to Michael (somehow!) who has finally made it into the clutches of Amazon and can be found here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dangerous-Man-Anne-Brooke/dp/0954594568/ref=sr_1_4/202-0915331-5590251?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1175785414&sr=8-4

No cover picture yet, though I have queried this with Flame (http://www.flamebooks.com), and no ratings of course, but at least he's there. So if anyone out there has read A Dangerous Man and feels able to put a few comments up on Amazon at anytime, please feel free to do so! I'd be very grateful (as long as you're not too rude!...). Talking of which, the lovely Erastes (http://www.myspace.com/erastesdotcom) has just started reading ADM and has already reached the one night stand scene. Ah, but it becomes so much more ... and glad you're enjoying it, Erastes!

Tonight, I've cancelled my counselling session with Kunu (it was moved from this morning), but I'm glad not to be going anywhere, to be honest. Instead, I'll be watching my video of "Life on Mars" from Tuesday, and working my way through my secret store of Lucozade bottles. Oh, and there's chocolate in the house ... chocolate, hmm ...

Today's nice things:

1. Michael being on Amazon
2. Life on Mars
3. Getting Simon to the start of his two ending scenes.

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk

Soggy golf and drunken art

Had a real thrill this morning when Paul Burston (http://www.myspace.com/paulburston) who edits the Gay Section in Time Out emailed me to say how much he'd enjoyed A Dangerous Man (http://www.flamebooks.com), as below:

"I finished off A Dangerous Man and I have to say I loved it. Michael is a wonderful character. An artist and part time prostitute - where on earth did you find the inspiration for him? And the story had me gripped. Everyone go out and buy this book! And please let me know in advance when the next one is coming out so I can find you review space in Time Out."

I particularly enjoyed the "Everyone go out and buy this book!" comment - that would make Flame love me, for sure! Many thanks indeed, Paul. Much appreciated. And I'm looking forward to your "Lovers and Losers" being published next week too!

This morning, Marian and I played golf in spite of a steadily increasing rainfall and, actually, we did very well - for us. We even did a few really good shots when a family playing waved us through (an action normally guaranteed to make us lose any poor skills we might have thought we had ...) and looked like real golfers for a while. Result! I ended up utterly soaked through however, so hope I don't catch something nasty.

I also gave up any ideas of going into Godalming to get shopping done and have also failed to do any writing or housework. So not the most productive day on record, I have to say. Sigh. No doubt I shall wallow in guilt later on in suitable Sad Person fashion. However, I have been thinking of writing - and it struck me yesterday that perhaps the reason why I seem to have changed my writing habits with "The Gifting" (in that I am now scribbling first and typing up on the computer later, rather than doing it straight onto the computer as usual) is that of course part of Simon's job description is his role as scribe. He writes everything down - on parchment. Far-fetched perhaps, but it's made me feel that much closer to him, which can only be a good thing.

Tonight, I'm up in London with Jane W to see the "Citizens and Kings" exhibition at the Royal Academy (http://www.royalacademy.org.uk). I must say the picture advertising the exhibition looks much like myself after a hard day's scribbling but I suspect I'd probably wrap something green around my head in preference. Afterwards we will, I hope, soothe our artistic brows with a nice curry, so everything will seem fine. And I can drink to my heart's content as the noble Lord H is picking me up from the station. As long as I get off at the right station. You do, I think, always need to drink wine when looking at art - which reminds me of a friend of mine who once said she loved "King Lear" and indeed the rest of Shakespeare, but could never really get through a whole one without a choc ice in the middle. I could only agree ...

Oh, and I was jesting (not itself a word you hear often nowadays - am I in a time loop?) with Lord H yesterday, wondering why the Iranians won't give us our sailors back as, after all, God knows we have so few and they can't be needing them - to which Lord H's answer was the Iranians will have to wait their turn for being invaded, as that seems to be what we do these days, and they'll just have to be patient. Hmm. Let's hope that doesn't turn out to be prophetic, and let's hope the poor buggers are allowed home soon. Perhaps we can do a swop. Anyone for Blair?...

Today's nice things:

1. Paul's lovely comments about "A Dangerous Man"
2. Thinking about writing
3. Art.

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk

Counselling and reviews

This morning's counselling session felt very thoughtful. Or rather I was doing a lot of thinking about how things had been in the past, and how they are now. Kunu seemed keen to get me onto the subject of religion and church, which I suppose had to happen sometime or other. I hadn't been sure how I'd feel about that but, in the event, it was okay. We talked about how and why I'd originally become a Christian, how it had been then and how it was now. Short answer: very bloody different. But then having been wrung out and mangled by the evangelical church, and spewed out, shattered but generally intact, at the other end, I suppose I should have anticipated that. Hey ho.

It was interesting though how Kunu picked up on my problems with organised communities in general. And she also asked questions about why it is I try (or have tried in the past) so hard to conform. Maybe I'm not sure whether the church per se has ever really "fitted" - it's simply that I thought that was the only way to express my faith. And of course it's (at least on my mother's side) the family tradition I've been brought up in. At heart, I don't think I've ever been a team player. Ye gods, even the phrase "family service" is enough to bring me out in a rash, "family" being one of my key stress words. Much like "religion" itself, or even "community". We did have an interesting chat about the parable of the lost sheep though - and I thought for the first time that maybe the ruddy thing didn't want to be found and brought back to the ruddy flock. Maybe it was actually in possession of a perfectly good map and a compass and had been trying to find its true home. Maybe it didn't want to be returned to its fellow sheep, but was perfectly happy on its own. Bugger, eh.

Which, if I could only connect in true EM Forster fashion, would lead me to think that if the church did suddenly turn up at the doorstep demanding to know what's wrong with me and begging me to return, I would probably flee to the Surrey Hills and beg them to leave me alone to make my own decision. Which of course rather puts the dampener on last week's blog accusing them all of cruelty and desertion. Double bugger. And of course it all goes to show how little I know my own mind and how easily I can swing from one strongly-held opinion to another in a matter of minutes without so much as a flare or a phone call. As Kunu said, we will need at some stage to explore the reasons behind my apparently desperate desire to be part of a community and my apparently equally desperate desire to avoid it. Hell, it's always good to have something to look forward to, I suppose. In the meantime, just stick a label on me and call me a hypocrite. I'll ring my own "unclean" bell ...

Back at the ranch, I have had delicious fun writing another 1000 words of "The Gifting". God, but it's like coming home. Or journeying towards it. One of the two. Possibly because I've been writing the flashback sex scene between Simon & Ralph, and I've been having to think laterally about what's he's sensing in his mind as well as physically, what with Simon being telepathic. And it's been fun to write things slightly differently in that way. Actually, no, being honest, I always love doing the sex scenes and the violence scenes. No matter what. They're where I really feel I'm buzzing. It's the sections between that cause the angst ...

Oh and the lovely Jackie from Goldenford (http://www.goldenford.co.uk) has put a few very kind comments about A Dangerous Man (http://www.flamebooks.com) on her blog at http://jackieluben.blogspot.com under yesterday's date, which I include below also:

"I finished Anne Brooke’s A Dangerous Man yesterday night. (It was very different from anything I’ve read before and quite difficult putting myself into the mind of a disturbed young gay man.) Anne’s hero, Michael, takes you on a journey into a twilight world and into an environment that most of us won’t have encountered. Nevertheless, any creative person can empathise with Michael’s desperate desire for success in his chosen field, and most readers will understand his longing for love and recognition. Anne has shown great insight in stepping into the shoes of this dark and obsessive character, and in leading us through highs and lows to the book’s compelling climax."

Thanks hugely, Jackie - that means a great deal (though I'm not sure about the "great insight" - as you can probably tell from Sentence Four of your own review, Michael is pretty much me ...), especially as dark crime isn't a genre you warm to and your own books are so very life-affirming. Talking of which, if you haven't come across Jacquelynn Luben's books, then you really should - The Fruit of the Tree (http://www.amazon.co.uk) is a very moving autobiography about Jackie's experiences of cot death and her own journey through and beyond that, and of course Goldenford's own A Bottle of Plonk is a very witty and wise series of interconnected stories focusing on the travels of one very unique bottle. Now if only I could get Goldenford's hot, sticky hands on her next novel, The Tainted Tree, my life as a fulfilled editor would be complete!...

Oh, and the lovely Clayton (http://www.myspace.com/dwbsoho) has also just finished A Dangerous Man too and has emailed me to say how much he loved it, and that he thinks I'm a "fantastic writer". Gosh. Thanks, Clayton - that means a great deal too. Because, as I said, Michael had been worried about what you might think of him. My, how that boy does fret. And each time I tried to reassure him you'd be very sweet as that is your nature, he'd just mutter something unmentionable at me and go back to his drawing. Sigh.

This afternoon, I've popped in to see Gladys. She's not having so good a week this week, I have to say, so it was quite tricky to get her smiling again. But we did agree that she must keep breathing until Tony Blair has been beaten into submission and left the leadership, as otherwise she'd never forgive herself for not seeing him out of office. My, how she hates that man. Still, it gives her an aim (of sorts!) and that's only to the good. And we also talked about holidays and her travels through Denmark just after the war. Apparently, her long-deceased husband, Charlie, had a German penfriend (well, he lived in Denmark but was German, I believe) arranged through school which he kept up with through the war. Astonishing. And bloody good for him too - why ruin a perfectly good friendship just because some crazed madman is in charge of Germany? Unfortunately, the penfriend was killed during the war at some stage, but Gladys & Charlie went over to visit the parents afterwards. Marvellous stuff. And a lesson to us all in how lucky we are now indeed.

And I have at last let drop to Gladys that I am attending church less often (for less often, read not at all ...) and that therefore I only know what's happening via Lord H. It felt more honest to say it as, off-line, I've rather been keeping this under wraps. If anything can be under wraps for an obsessional blogger like me, of course. Anyway, she was fine about it, and we moved on. Phew.

Tonight, I think I'm going to do some more scribbling to "The Gifting", as it'll be interesting to see how Johan reacts to Simon's very strong memories of Ralph. Aha! I feel a major row coming on. Hmm. It'll be difficult to have a blazing row in the middle of a small boat on a vast ocean, I must admit, but I'll see what I can do. Ah, the power, the cruelty - I love it!

Oh, and Lord H has nearly finished his divorce essay for Theology class - which, as it should be handed in on Saturday, is actually pretty much advance planning for him. Mr Last-Minute-dot-Com is indeed his middle name.

Today's nice things:

1. Counselling
2. The two reviews of A Dangerous Man
3. Remembering the war years with Gladys.

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com

Luggage? You must be joking …

Bloody BA. Bloody BA courier. What the bloody hell do they think they’re doing?? Honestly, they’re so thick they couldn’t stuff a bloody luggage trolley up their own arses and turn it. And how I wish I could do the deed for them – that would be sooooo satisfying. We waited up till nearly 11.30pm last night for the non-existent ruddy delivery, and I am shattered today as I then lay awake worrying about it. Their bag-tracking system & website information is bloody hopeless. It told me my case had landed in Gatwick and had been picked up by the courier between 6pm & 7pm. We waited for the promised phone call, but none materialised. Bloody hopeless bearing in mind they’d said we’d get the case yesterday.

Anyway, this morning, Lord H rang the BA baggage people who couldn’t understand why the case hadn’t been delivered. They then ran around like the proverbial and rang us back to tell us (a) they couldn’t get in touch with the courier as they wouldn’t answer the phone; (b) the case may have landed in Gatwick but it has to first be transported to Heathrow as the courier only works from Heathrow. (Ye gods – aren’t courier services supposed to travel??? Isn’t that what they’re for???); (c) The courier promises a six hour delivery turnround but only delivers up till midnight, so as the case arrived at Heathrow at 7pm, they didn’t action delivery as they couldn’t guarantee the six hour turnround as it was then only 5 hours to midnight. Ye gods!!!! Shouldn’t we have been told this information when we filled in our form at Gatwick on Saturday? Shouldn’t some so-called customer service representative at least have (a) updated the website with the correct information or (b) even had the courtesy to ring us to say they couldn’t deliver, and then name a date when they could?? It doesn’t take much to pick up a phone and give us those details. They’ve had our ruddy number after all!! I am sooooo pissedd off it’s almost untrue. After all, they could even have dropped the ruddy thing in on the drive between Gatwick and Heathrow – we’re only a few miles off the bloody M25 route between the airports after all!!

Anyway, Lord H asked them to deliver the case to his work address, but I’ve left notes with the neighbours just in case. I simply don’t trust BA or their bloody courier any more. They’re all bloody liars. Give me back my effing case!!!!!! It shouldn’t be this hard!!!! There’s definitely a big complaint letter and a demand for compensation coming on. Angry of Godalming? Just clear the ruddy route for me …

Rant over. For now ... Meanwhile, at work, I finished the first draft of yesterday’s minutes and by lunchtime was very much in need of my soothing Reflexology session. Somebody give me a chill pill … However I think the Reflexology worked as I felt much more grounded this afternoon – Emily is a miracle-worker indeed. Have spent most of the rest of the working day wondering where my luggage is – answer: we don’t know. Still. It was supposed to be delivered by 3pm to Lord H, but its absence continued apace. My working theory is that it’s doing a tour of UK airports and, having been to Gatwick and Heathrow, is now on its way to Luton. I have yet to have this theory confirmed however. Anyway, I cracked and I went shopping tonight to stock up on all the items I’ve been missing. At the very least, I shall buy a comb and stop looking like the Wild Woman of Borneo. Some hope there then.

On other fronts, Jo at the University Arts Office has confirmed my date with “A Dangerous Man” (http://www.flamebooks.com) at the University Book Circle on 30 April. Gulp. Heck, Michael and I will enjoy it, I’m sure. If he’s stuck, he can always scowl at people and draw something. So, I’ve done some marketing for that and hope that people will come along and talk. And the University bookshop is going to stock him too, so we’re both pleased about that. It's the first time in my whole writing life that any bookshop has actually rung me up and asked to stock something I've written!! Normally, I'm banging on their door, weeping and begging, while they hold it shut against me. So a Red Letter Day today then, and almost like being a real writer then...

Oh, and the lovely Lady Sister-in-Law-to-be (Lady S-I-L-t-b) (http://www.peterandsusan.co.uk/blogs/susansblog.asp) has just finished “A Dangerous Man” and has blogged a very generous review under 26 March, the second entry down. Which I have copied below also:

"I finished Anne’s book yesterday, ‘A Dangerous Man’. For the first few chapters of the novel it was constantly in the back of my mind that I knew the person who had written it and therefore I was thinking things like ‘I wonder how Anne came up with this idea’, ‘I wonder how she researched this bit’, etc etc.

However, as I progressed through the book these thoughts slipped away as the characters became real for me and took hold. I thought the novel was suspenseful, unsettling and well paced and took me into a world that is totally alien to me. Although the main character, Michael, is not your normal type of hero - in fact he is a very dark personality indeed - I felt a real empathy for him and I found myself rooting for him until the end (even when he had stepped over the boundary into criminality).

The final chapters of the book are gripping as the shadows that have been stalking Michael come to the surface and threaten to ruin his all too brief taste of success. As things head towards a climax there is a sense of foreboding and you become aware that the unattractive character, that is Jack’s mother, is feeling the same as you, the reader, that there is surely tragedy ahead for her son, Jack, and Michael. I thought the writing throughout was excellent, paticularly in the final more violent scenes, and I found it easy to visualise what was being played out in front of me. I was sorry to be coming to the end of the novel so I left the final few chapters until later in the day to savour reading them – what a sign of a good book that is!

Anne, if you are reading this, I thoroughly enjoyed the novel and think that you have definitely found your genre! I look forward to reading The Gifting!"

Gosh. Thanks, Lady S-I-L-t-b – knowing how much you love dark books and your high standards, that means a huge amount. Thank you! And I think I’ve just outed your and Lord B-I-L’s real names. Sorry … And thank you again.

Tonight, I’m planning to watch “Life on Mars” and wonder where my luggage has got to. What an exciting life I lead for sure.

Stop Press! Update on the Godalming Luggage Crisis! When Lord H got home, he discovered a note through the door saying the courier couldn't raise anyone (have the downstairs neighbours all died? Oh no, I just saw one in the garden ...) and delivered my case to the house next door instead. Lord H retrieved this from the lovely lady there, but by the time I'd spoken to him I was already in the process of buying all my restocked items in the shop. I shall probably now not run out of anything till the next Millennium. At home, everything in the case looks intact, phew - even my triangular Madeiran house in a snowstorm. I am indeed an Arbiter of Taste ... But in the meantime, the BA Baggage Handlers have left three messages on our phone this evening saying they've asked the courier to take the luggage back to the depot and deliver it to our home address tonight. Frankly, m'dear, we here in the home counties don't give a fuck. And we're certainly not ringing up the bastards to say we've already got the delivery. So we wait with interest to see if any case will be delivered here tonight and, if so, whose it might be.

Ye gods, no wonder we lost the Empire, eh ...

Anyway, today’s nice things:

1. Lady S-I-L-t-b’s review of “A Dangerous Man” - thank you!
2. Reflexology
3. The University bookshop planning to stock Michael – hurrah!

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk

The red-lipped phone

Lord H’s alarm failed to go off this morning, but I was only ten minutes late from my planned getting up time, so it could have been far worse. Heck, we probably needed the extra time anyway. Oh, and I must say that last night’s TV production of “Northanger Abbey” was marvellous – a perfect lead and a great interpretation. It really cheered me up. Naturally, that hasn’t stopped the Monday morning post-holiday blues though, but hey there you go.

However, Ruth has cheered me up by swopping my standard work phone for one made up of an enormous pair of red lips – I absolutely loved it and wish it could be mine for ever, but apparently it (the phone, not the pair of lips …) belongs to Ruth’s mother and has to go home. Shame … it’s just the sort of thing to ring Lord H on!

I spent the rest of the morning catching up on emails and actually getting level with myself on the work front. Hurrah! And the usual bliss when 12noon came and went appeared too – it’s like a weight lifting off my shoulders when Monday afternoon arrives. I minuted the Student Care Services Steering Group at lunchtime – the boss had half a ton of tabled papers, which is always a bit of a pain as it means I actually have to scrabble round for internal envelopes and post them to non-attenders, rather than rely on the simplicity of an email. Almost like being a real secretary then …

And this feeling was compounded by spending the afternoon typing up the minutes. With the bliss of a 5pm finish today, as it’s outside term-time for the students. How we love our vacation hours indeed. It’s that extra half-hour between 5 and 5.30pm that’s always so killing to the soul.

Ooh, and the lovely Caroline on Myspace (http://www.myspace.com/caroline_biesse) loves "A Dangerous Man" (http://www.flamebooks.com) so much that she's advertising it on the book section of her profile. Thanks, Caroline! Michael and I both appreciate it very much. And he loves your new photo by the way (as do I!), though we do miss the hat ...

Tonight, Lord H is finishing off his divorce essay, which he’s much happier with now. He’s apparently learnt that the Bible tells him that husbands need to provide wives with food and clothing – don’t ask me for the reference though! Aha, I have a lot to catch up on then (pause for evil wife laughter …). Luckily, the same reference doesn’t give any particular duties for wives. Sound of more evil wife laughter then. And while he’s doing that, I’m planning to watch my video of last week’s “Life on Mars” and wait for my luggage to turn up. Ho ho. I live in hope, don’t I? …

Today’s nice things:

1. The red-lipped phone
2. Passing the noontide hour relatively unscathed
3. Caroline's profile page!

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com/
http://www.goldenford.co.uk/

I spoke too soon! Another review of "A Dangerous Man"!

Sorry but I just have to blog this before I go - I've had a lovely review from crime writer, Lesley Horton (http://www.lesleyhorton.co.uk) about ADM (http://www.flamebooks.com), as below:

“To say A Dangerous Man is different is an understatement. Anne Brooke has delved into the minds, lives and loves of gay men with considerable style. The plot is dark and unsettling and leads inevitably to murder. I was hooked from the first page and I wasn’t allowed off that hook until the end. Well done Anne."

Thank you so much, Lesley. I'm very grateful indeed! And it's just the sort of comment which will get me (and no doubt Michael) smiling all the way to Madeira tomorrow!

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com

Tea, Pinter and my first reading group invite

Oh, the .... Pinter last .... night was so .... full of .... pauses that at times I think I may have lost the will to live. I have no real idea what it might have been trying to say either and I even may have got to the point where I didn't much care. Which is odd as I've seen some quite sharp Pinters. This ("Old Times") is not one. It even managed to make the glorious Neil Pearson appear dull, which is quite a feat. Only an hour and a half (including a 20 minute interval), but I've never been so glad to see the lights come up and the applause begin. Though I think we might have been applauding the return of the lights rather than acknowledging the actors. Mind you, I did get the giggles when Lord H leaned over to me while we were nibbling our ice creams in the interval and said (in classic stage whisper) that, all in all, he thought there was less to it than met the eye. Well said, sir, indeed. In fact if we'd got rid of ... the ... pauses, we could probably have rattled through it in 10 mins and been home in time for "Ugly Betty". Which I'm sorry I missed.

However, fear not, as Lord H has once again come up with the correct dramatic solution. (It never ceases to amaze me how dramatically sensitive my husband actually is - he really should have been a playwright or a drama critic, at the very least, as he does this all the time). Anyway, his solution would be to take the script, add in the old school friend's husband, thus making it a four-hander, rather than a three-hander. Then he'd split the set so we could see the living room and the bedroom at the same time, and watch people go in and out of same - thus adding action and a sense of movement where there was none. He'd then give the whole thing to Alan Ayckbourn who knows a thing or two about drama, and end up with a respectable, and no doubt more popular, comedy of manners. Result! Remember: you heard it here first ...

And there's exciting news! "A Dangerous Man" (http://www.flamebooks.com) will be discussed at the university's reading group at the end of April, and I've been invited to go along and introduce it, etc etc. Hurrah! Michael actually gets to go out. For once. I'd best make sure he nobbles some of Jack's aftershave and buys himself a decent tee-shirt and at least tries to look respectable. Both of us are very excited! - but nervous too, as we're Reading Group Virgins. Much to our shame ... So if anyone out there has any useful tips, please let us know! I did ask Lord H if he could come along and be "Author's Husband", and he suggested that, bearing in mind the psychotic subject matter, perhaps Kunu could also come along, so I could be flanked by "Author's Husband" on one side and "Author's Therapist" on the other. I suspect that may be slightly too weird for the university though ... And he wasn't that keen on the idea of me dressing up as Michael and him dressing up as Jack either - though the idea of having sex in the office did perk him up. As it were. Ho hum.

Oh, and the lovely Devon on MySpace (http://www.myspace.com - sorry, Devon, but I can't find your page URL, darn it!) has very kindly added me to his profile as an author he likes. Hey, thanks, Devon - that's a first for me, I think. Much appreciated.

This afternoon, Lord H and I have been to Kent and back to celebrate a friend's 60th birthday and to eat lots of very naughty food. Bliss. And we were very good, as it was held in a vineyard and we didn't buy any of the local wine. How noble we are indeed. This probably means we can be extra naughty at the next available wine shop. Hurrah. Tonight, I'll be glued to "Primeval" on TV, getting more ironing done and probably not doing the cleaning. Hell, it's a plan.

Today's nice things:

1. Being invited to a reading group
2. Tea in Kent
3. Being a favourite author of Devon's!

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk

Branding, minutes and more reviews

Relatively early to bed last night, so feel much less like a squeezed-out sponge today, thank goodness. Mind you, I’ve been feeling specially cheered by “A Dangerous Man” (http://www.flamebooks.com/) reader reactions, including Jane H’s brother, who thought it was excellent (thanks, Jane’s brother – much appreciated!) and Ruth at work who thought it was terrifying and gripping (thanks, Ruth!). Both comments mean a lot.

Also, Rhian from Crimeficreader (http://itsacrime.typepad.com/) has at last received a copy of ADM for reviewing – the first one is still wandering around Wales somewhere – and says she thinks Flame have done an excellent job on the look and layout. Yes, I think so too – so thanks to Flame for that. Now, all I have to do is wait for Rhian’s review … scary …

I’ve also managed to get the Goldenford (http://www.goldenford.co.uk/) minutes done – we’re looking forward to the publication of Jay Margrave’s “The Gawain Quest” in June, and are also looking into our first non-fiction book, focusing on eBay sales. It’s nice to ring the changes, and I hope they both do well. They deserve to. Oh, and in case anyone is curious, as of this point “Pink Champagne and Apple Juice” has sold 104 copies since last June. This may be small fry to you big hitters out there, but I’m always pleased when I go over the 100 marker. Believe me, it doesn’t happen often. Oh, and … um … actual sales of “A Stranger’s Table” (http://www.poetrymonthly.com) – rather than those I’ve given away as review copies or presents – is six. Which just goes to show that (a) poetry doesn’t sell, no matter how many awards you may have won for the contents, and (b) you should never produce two books in one month, as one will suffer big-time. Well, I’ve certainly learnt my lesson there, believe me!

This lunchtime, we had the Student Support Services Branding Project meeting – which isn’t, as Lord H thinks, a cunning plan to brand students when they join so we always know which department to send them back to. No, even we in the shires aren’t that cruel. Yet … aha! No, we’re trying to link different support services across our very higgledy-piggedly campus together so students can access everything they might need when they see our new brand sign. This should prevent them getting lost and milling round weeping. Oh no, sorry, that’s what I do when I can’t find my way (again) to the Management School. I have, as Carol at work tells me, special geographical needs … heck, I always knew it! All that said, it was a really good meeting (shock! horror!) – I feel quite inspired about our hoped-for improvements. Lots of website & new brochure stuff for me to do – I like to get my teeth stuck into something. Hope it works out all right.

Oh, and joy! Les M at the meeting told me (with real astonishment in his voice) how good the poems in “A Stranger’s Table” were – heck, that’s cheered me up no end as regards the poetry! Now if only I can persuade him actually to buy something …

And, talking of which, I’ve (possibly sadly?) written a poem about Michael. Maybe this is another way of saying goodbye. Again, we’ll see. Here it is:

A Dangerous Man – a final act

I want to write something
to say you’ve been here,
both friend and enemy
at different times,
sometimes at the same time.

You’ve never been dull,
even when I have been so.
Gripping, seductive, wild
in a way I can never be,
you’ve enticed me away from my self
towards a deeper self
I’d never know before.

You’re a part of me,
you see,
though I set you
as a man apart,
someone I talk to
in my mind’s dark caverns,
someone who talks to me,
whose story I can tell,
have told now.

Michael, you’re still so close
that I can feel you moving
under my skin.
My blood pulses with yours,
your limbs align to mine.
You’re the life I’ve never dared
to live
and at the heart of it we are one:
my tantalising shadow
to the sun.


Tonight, I’m worshipping at the great Tesco’s mall, and then it’s an evening in – at last! Might try to catch up on “Life on Mars” which I videoed yesterday. We’ll see.

Today’s nice things:

1. Getting nice reader feedback for “A Dangerous Man” & “A Stranger’s Table” – hurrah!
2. Michael finally arriving in Wales successfully – phew!
3. Selling 104 Champers all in all.

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com/

Space for me and my men

Bloody hell, but that was a valuable weekend. I'd been dreading it beforehand thinking: should I go? should I stay at home? can I get to Bristol (and back) in one piece? But I'm glad I made the effort. And yes I made it through the wind and rain and lorries, and I'm back now. With my usual post-travel headache, but feeling something's changed inside. Which can only be a good thing.

So, Enneagram 2 - me and my relationships was the focus. On the technical side, as a Moody Romantic 4 (the Enneagram circle has nine numbers which you have greater or lesser leanings towards - I'm a 4), I've found out about how I can use my Loner neighbour (5 - the number which I do think Lord H is, by the way, but it's up to each person to work it out for themselves, so it's only my opinion!) and my Movie Star neighbour (3) in circumstances where that will be helpful, and also how my strongest links in times of stress & security are to the Perfectionist 1 and the Helper 2. And thinking about it, I do love so much to be at home (like a 5) so I can recharge, and I also do perform in public (like a 3), probably as a defence mechanism. Also, I think that when I'm stressed, I get obsessive about why things aren't perfect in some circumstances, and on flattering people so they don't attack me in others. Both of which actions are like the 1 and the 2 on the circle. Same with the security points really - when I'm feeling safe, I like the feeling of being in control (like a 1) and I also feel better able to help others (like a 2). Ye gods, Sherlock, it's all beginning to make sense. To me anyway.

Oh, and being a 4, I do love talking about myself, which explains the last paragraph - welcome to Anne's ego trip. Enjoy the ride ...

But far and away the best part of the weekend was what I feel I got out of the meditation/body work sessions (they focus on the combination of the physical and the spiritual at Emmaus House, which is something I appreciate). During the two meditations, we were asked to focus on our inner self and to hold that self with love and care. Not something I do very often, if I'm honest. For a while, I didn't really know what I was supposed to be doing, but then it came to me that it wasn't just me in that space. It was Michael too. And someone else. Which (in my tradition and understanding) I'd probably call God, but other people might call something else. The question I was asking, and which Michael was asking too, was: did I do okay? is it enough? And the answer was: yeah, you did good. It's enough. And then an overwhelming feeling of acceptance. No. More than that. Affirmation. Sounds simple, I know, but always the big question hanging over me in everything I do has been: is it good enough? am I good enough? And after five years of struggle with the book, the question becomes too huge to lose even on publication, believe me. To have it answered at least in terms of "A Dangerous Man" (http://www.flamebooks.com) and Michael in a way that means something to me and on a deep level is frankly revolutionary.

It also, I think, has freed something up in me in the way I've tried to ignore Michael and the Michael parts of me in my attempts to relate to God. After this weekend, I feel more that God might actually see the whole picture and not be as surprised or afraid of it as I am. Maybe (just maybe, mind ...) when that great supreme being in the sky looks at me, he already sees Michael, and Paul, and Simon, and ... whoever, as well and is even pleased that I've begun to acknowledge them too. Maybe even they can be part of the plan. Bloody hell, eh?...

Well. Phew. A lot to be pondering on, as you can see. But there were some lighter moments along the way - including having an ensuite room which had a toilet with only one wall between it and the window. And, um no other cover, not even a door. So, as Lord H said on the phone, more of an "en" than a "suite". I had to be jolly careful not to lean forward after getting off the throne (as it were) or everyone on the Bristol highway had a prime view of my unmentionables. Which may explain the amount of shrieking that appeared to go on at 2am on Saturday morning. Perhaps the Bristol youth were letting off steam at the horror of it all ...

Back home, I have yet to face the unpacking, but Lord H has done some cleaning (what a superhero - he now has huge numbers of Husband Points), so I'll leave it till next week. What a slut I am indeed. And tonight, it's "Lewis" on TV, so a slob-out opportunity. Hurrah.

Ooh, and for the first time, I've won the Writewords (http://www.writewords.org.uk) Flash Fiction II weekly competition with my "Another Time, Another Place" story, so that's a nice feeling for sure. And it means I have to set next week's competition - aha! the power! the power! My Enneagram 4 ego is loving it, dahlings!

This week's haiku:

Gravel and water,
sunlight, birdsong, a cool wind:
time and space to breathe.

This weekend's nice things:

1. Having space with Michael and God
2. The unexpected sense of peace
3. Laughing at the toilet arrangements.

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk