A day off work today, as I'm in tomorrow instead for a course. I really struggled to get out of bed this morning - don't laugh, as it's very difficult when you have a huge black ball of depression in your stomach which you are forced to carry around with you. It gets in the way of everyday life, such as washing, dressing and drying one's hair. I'm actually thinking of sending a letter to Marks & Spencer in Guildford asking if they'll consider making a Depressives' designer range - which would include lots of items in black or dark blue (oh - that is the sum total of my wardrobe so, hurrah, I'm halfway there already ...) with large front pockets in which to put your depression ball. It would be so much handier. I'm sure it would be a success for them. We have a lot of depressives in Surrey. It's because it's so dull.
Which brings me, somehow, to today's counselling session. Kunu has once again worked a marvel in little under an hour. I started my session feeling as low as shit and wondering where I could put my db (see above), but she managed to get me talking as to why I thought I was so low all of a sudden. Answer: I've been hyper and slightly out-of-control (hell, that's a surprise - not ...) for the last few days, so I've been gearing up for a fall. Don't I know it. And then yesterday's difficult moment at work plunged me right back into the drama of my childhood self (ie of being the one with no friends, a shed-load of enemies and no idea as to how you change one to the other), which I've been re-enacting ever since. Ye gods, but primary school was shit. One little upset now, and I'm back in the land of Billy-No-Mates. Still, and miraculously, talking about this to Kunu actually cheered me up, and the resulting rebirth of my energy levels sent me soaring again. So we have decided that I need to plan practical strategies for coping with the down times and the up times, and keeping things simple during both. Hmm, so no pressure then (joke!). And for our next set of six sessions, we're going to focus in on my trigger points of childhood and family. Oh, I can see my Spring is going to be a barrel of laughs indeed. But it makes sense though - just hope I can manage the ride. And this week's counselling homework? - I have to find things that help me to feel calm. That should be fun ...
Back home, I've decided not to visit Gladys today, as I don't think I'm up to it, so I ferreted round my cupboards for some lunch instead. The choices involved either chicken soup or ... um, chicken soup. After a lot of thought, I chose the chicken soup option, as it seemed the best way forward. Good choice. But I added chocolate afterwards too, so all was not lost. During lunch, Lord H also rang from work to ask how his lunch was - which he'd carefully wrapped and left in the kitchen this morning. I said it was fine and would certainly be fully defrosted by the time he next saw it. So that'll save the daily battle with the carving knife tomorrow then.
This afternoon, I've thought about my novel but not done anything about it (sorry, Caroline ...), deciding instead to do some writing purely for enjoyment. Hey - result! So I've done another (longer) piece of flash fiction - about a marriage proposal of all things - and have also sent one of yesterday's pieces, which I've revamped, off to a flash fiction website (http://www.birdandmoon.com) just in case my luck is in. We'll see, but I'm endeavouring to expect nothing, and to keep calm. Hurrah.
A feeling which has not been helped by logging into my work emails and seeing the amount of shit which lies in wait for me tomorrow ... Oh God. And I'll have so little time to deal with it all due to my all-day course. Damn and bloody damn. Perhaps, one of my first methods of keeping calm is not to look at work emails while I'm not there. Kunu will be pleased ...
Oh, and after some discussion on the Writewords (http://www.writewords.org.uk) site, I think we've agreed that in actual fact commercial publishers do not exist: it's all a scam run by nefarious agents who soft-soap our fevered brows and send our work off to the great dustbin in the sky before sitting down with their gins and laughing at us in the style of Big Brother. Either that or I'm actually living in an alternative universe where no outside communication is ever received. From anyone. I mean, hey you guys, even a "no" would be appreciated, as long as it's a simple one with no la-de-dah crap attached. It would help put poor old "Thorn in the Flesh" - which my agent sent out to a plethora of places in August last, and which since then has garnered nowt but a terrible silence - out of its misery at last.
Hey ho, time for a calming moment, I think. As if. Hell, maybe it's time for a nap.
Today's nice things:
2. Laughing and pointing at Lord H's lunch
3. Writing another piece of flash fiction.