Bugger of a morning today – I’ve really utterly hated it. Lord but I could do with another job. To be frank. I mean, ye gods, but do I seriously have to do another 20 years of this??? God help us all!! There was lots of stuff dumped on me in which I have zilch interest, and huge amounts of meetings nightmares, including double meetings for those who can’t attend the first set and rescheduling of things so distant I have no real idea what they are. Not only that but everyone seemed to change their minds at least twice as to what they actually wanted or tell me different things from different sides of the fence. Deep deep sigh. And it also appears that things I had no idea were my responsibility apparently are. Dammit.
In the end I got so stressed that I walked out of a meeting set up to try to sort some of these issues out – as in fact the meeting appeared to be making things more complicated, so I didn’t feel it was worth staying, aha. However I don’t think anyone actually noticed how upset and shaky I was – always good to know one’s worth in the company echelons is what I say … Thank God for my early reflexology appointment – I ended up bursting into tears over my poor therapist, who must now count as part-time counsellor and general Good Egg, and she gave me a specially calming and strengthening session. Crisis reflexology – it’s the way forward for office traumas. You know it makes sense.
Anyway, this afternoon, I struggled on amidst the bullets and attempted to avoid the enemy. As you do. I also tried to look at the minutes I have to type up from yesterday’s meeting (arrgh! The “M” word – I can’t bear it!), but goodness knows if they’re actually going to mean anything. I rather seem to have lost the will to live, Carruthers – somebody pass me the smelling salts.
In the meantime, a lost external professor wandered into the office and we sent him off with smiles and a map to where he should have been. Well, we are the caring side of the campus, you know. However when I rang the Secretary of the person the professor was visiting, I was given a complete verbal dressing-down about how I should have sent him somewhere else as he’d been told at least four times where the meeting venue was and why didn’t I tell him that? Well, as it’s the first time I’d ever seen this particular professor and I’m not a mind-reader, it’s hardly surprising I couldn’t tell him what I ruddy well didn’t know – but in spite of fighting a brave rear-guard action, I seemed somehow to get myself involved in ringing up all sorts of people trying to track the poor guy down whilst the original Secretary presumably went off to have a lie-down and a cup of tea. Double dammit. Still, I’m quite proud of the fact that whilst said Secretary was burbling on fairly meaninglessly I did manage to suggest that if she stopped talking quite so much we might solve the problem a little faster. Or words to that effect, aha. Sod the caring side, eh.
Tonight, I was going to go to Guildford Writers but I don’t think I can face any more people. So I think I’ll stay in and act like blob. A blob with no brains. I also put the next section of The Bones of Summer up on the Writewords Novel Group and have already gained mixed criticisms on it – Hell but the person who didn’t like it is probably right. Now I look at it, it is crap, waffly and with no strong character and I should just cut the whole ruddy thing and start again. God, but it’s so depressing sometimes. You never really feel confident in this writing game – or indeed that you’re getting anywhere. Sigh.
Mind you, on the way back to the car park in my increasingly desperate attempt to get home and stay home, Amy from Guildford Writers did stop me and say how much she'd enjoyed Thorn in the Flesh, so much so that she couldn't put it down and thought it was wonderful. Gosh, thanks, Amy - that's the nicest thing that's happened all day. And bloody hell but maybe I can write after all - just not the novel I'm doing now, dammit ...
And here’s a poem (stress is notoriously good for poetry, you know):
I've always cold-shouldered
thinking that no planetary conjunction
or accident of birth
was going to organise my life.
Now God doesn't seem
such a reliable concept any more
being a Gemini girl
on the cusp of Cancer
might prove quite the sensible option.
Today’s nice things:
2. Amy's kindness