Space for me and my men

Bloody hell, but that was a valuable weekend. I'd been dreading it beforehand thinking: should I go? should I stay at home? can I get to Bristol (and back) in one piece? But I'm glad I made the effort. And yes I made it through the wind and rain and lorries, and I'm back now. With my usual post-travel headache, but feeling something's changed inside. Which can only be a good thing.

So, Enneagram 2 - me and my relationships was the focus. On the technical side, as a Moody Romantic 4 (the Enneagram circle has nine numbers which you have greater or lesser leanings towards - I'm a 4), I've found out about how I can use my Loner neighbour (5 - the number which I do think Lord H is, by the way, but it's up to each person to work it out for themselves, so it's only my opinion!) and my Movie Star neighbour (3) in circumstances where that will be helpful, and also how my strongest links in times of stress & security are to the Perfectionist 1 and the Helper 2. And thinking about it, I do love so much to be at home (like a 5) so I can recharge, and I also do perform in public (like a 3), probably as a defence mechanism. Also, I think that when I'm stressed, I get obsessive about why things aren't perfect in some circumstances, and on flattering people so they don't attack me in others. Both of which actions are like the 1 and the 2 on the circle. Same with the security points really - when I'm feeling safe, I like the feeling of being in control (like a 1) and I also feel better able to help others (like a 2). Ye gods, Sherlock, it's all beginning to make sense. To me anyway.

Oh, and being a 4, I do love talking about myself, which explains the last paragraph - welcome to Anne's ego trip. Enjoy the ride ...

But far and away the best part of the weekend was what I feel I got out of the meditation/body work sessions (they focus on the combination of the physical and the spiritual at Emmaus House, which is something I appreciate). During the two meditations, we were asked to focus on our inner self and to hold that self with love and care. Not something I do very often, if I'm honest. For a while, I didn't really know what I was supposed to be doing, but then it came to me that it wasn't just me in that space. It was Michael too. And someone else. Which (in my tradition and understanding) I'd probably call God, but other people might call something else. The question I was asking, and which Michael was asking too, was: did I do okay? is it enough? And the answer was: yeah, you did good. It's enough. And then an overwhelming feeling of acceptance. No. More than that. Affirmation. Sounds simple, I know, but always the big question hanging over me in everything I do has been: is it good enough? am I good enough? And after five years of struggle with the book, the question becomes too huge to lose even on publication, believe me. To have it answered at least in terms of "A Dangerous Man" (http://www.flamebooks.com) and Michael in a way that means something to me and on a deep level is frankly revolutionary.

It also, I think, has freed something up in me in the way I've tried to ignore Michael and the Michael parts of me in my attempts to relate to God. After this weekend, I feel more that God might actually see the whole picture and not be as surprised or afraid of it as I am. Maybe (just maybe, mind ...) when that great supreme being in the sky looks at me, he already sees Michael, and Paul, and Simon, and ... whoever, as well and is even pleased that I've begun to acknowledge them too. Maybe even they can be part of the plan. Bloody hell, eh?...

Well. Phew. A lot to be pondering on, as you can see. But there were some lighter moments along the way - including having an ensuite room which had a toilet with only one wall between it and the window. And, um no other cover, not even a door. So, as Lord H said on the phone, more of an "en" than a "suite". I had to be jolly careful not to lean forward after getting off the throne (as it were) or everyone on the Bristol highway had a prime view of my unmentionables. Which may explain the amount of shrieking that appeared to go on at 2am on Saturday morning. Perhaps the Bristol youth were letting off steam at the horror of it all ...

Back home, I have yet to face the unpacking, but Lord H has done some cleaning (what a superhero - he now has huge numbers of Husband Points), so I'll leave it till next week. What a slut I am indeed. And tonight, it's "Lewis" on TV, so a slob-out opportunity. Hurrah.

Ooh, and for the first time, I've won the Writewords (http://www.writewords.org.uk) Flash Fiction II weekly competition with my "Another Time, Another Place" story, so that's a nice feeling for sure. And it means I have to set next week's competition - aha! the power! the power! My Enneagram 4 ego is loving it, dahlings!

This week's haiku:

Gravel and water,
sunlight, birdsong, a cool wind:
time and space to breathe.

This weekend's nice things:

1. Having space with Michael and God
2. The unexpected sense of peace
3. Laughing at the toilet arrangements.

Anne Brooke
http://www.annebrooke.com
http://www.goldenford.co.uk