Thursday, March 01, 2007

Counselling and the imaginary gay male

Another session of counselling with Kunu this morning. Actually I felt quite positive. We talked a lot about writing, about Michael and even got onto mentioning Paul (from "Maloney's Law") and Simon from "The Gifting". It's funny how I can know exactly what was happening for me at the time of writing them simply by looking at my strange line of imaginary gay males and their story. For instance, Michael is the screwed-up, desperately needy one (and God, what a year-and-a-half that was for me too), then the next one along is Paul, who's possibly even needier, but who covers it well with a nice dose of dry wit and the innate ability to grow (I felt better that year). Now, there's Simon who has a hell of a time at the beginning of his story, but who now finds himself on a journey to somewhere better - though he doesn't know where yet - and, even though he's shit-scared, is actually beginning to enjoy it. Lord alone knows where we go next. It's also interesting that now I've got Michael in the world beyond my own head, I'm beginning to focus more on Paul once more. Anyone fancy giving a publishing home to a good-looking gay PI who's obsessed with his ex-lover, has a bitter secret in his past and an almost Asperger's ability to calculate time? He can laugh at himself too ...

Anyway, Kunu and I have come to the conclusion that I am having a better week because I've actually managed to communicate with the outside world (by means of Michael) in a meaningful (I hope) way, and that astonishingly I'm getting positive feedback in return - which is making all the bloody difference. Ye gods though, if I am getting my personal validation from good reviews, I am obviously far more desperate than even I had realised. Must go back to those "self-esteem and how to find it" lessons ... And God help me when the bad reviews turn up. Argh!

We also talked about clothes - my £400 Orvis spend has turned up and I love every single one of my new items. I'm even wearing my new blue and white jumper now - it's ace. I think actually that now Michael is free (or freer) from me, I feel I can (a) buy nice clothes, and (b) wear different earrings. God, I'm so psychotic I probably have more issues than Paul. It's as if all this time I've been waiting. Oh, hang on, I'm getting muddled - that last sentence is actually from "Maloney's Law". I remember it well. Bloody hell, I'm plagiarising myself. Ah well, you read it here first.

At home, I discover that my copies of "A Dangerous Man" ( have actually turned up - hurrah! So I can send out my copies to (a) Clayton ( who has apparently trashed his version of PayPal (well done, Clayton! I tried that once, but they got stroppy with me; they obviously have more respect for you), (b) Gary at Independent Authors ( in case he can sell any, and (c) the Apsley Guise Scout Association (no, don't laugh - they want a copy for their charity auction even though I have explained what ADM is about and that Michael isn't really suitable, unless the Scouts are much, much changed from what they used to be ...). So I have packaged items as if it were an Olympic sport and will post them tomorrow.

And, at the same time, Jennifer from Goldenford ( tells me that she needs copies of my books and a few flyers for the market they're holding in Guildford on Tuesday. I shall have to see if I can pop in tomorrow morning, or Monday night, as I'm on retreat in Bristol this weekend, so shall be out of contact until Sunday night. When I won't really be arsed to get in a car - with or without books - and drive anywhere. If I don't hear from her, I'll try ringing tonight, as I'd rather squeeze it into tomorrow morning's schedule than have to do it after work. Monday night is always, if at all possible, spent at home. I cannot make any kind of bid for sanity otherwise ...

Oh, and I've popped into see Gladys too - who is quite bright today and enjoying the daffodils. She's quite worried about her cat though, as she fears they might take Dolly (said cat) away from her. Seems unnecessarily cruel to me. Dolly's no trouble. Can't she ring Old People's Line about this sort of thing? If the Powers That Be do decide to steal poor Dolly, I will round up the usual suspects and cat-nap the damn moggy back for her. Godalming: The Cat Wars. It would probably make a good film.

Tonight, I will start packing (otherwise I will get twitchy). No, that's a lie. I shall be twitchy anyway as I hate being away from home and Lord H. Travel, of any kind, is just not natural. God knows why people insist on doing it. But I know I need to get away to think & regroup (me and my imaginary men), and I think now is a good time to do it.

Today's nice things:

1. Counselling
2. Copies of ADM arriving
3. Thinking about writing.

Anne Brooke


Cathy said...

Hmm, I expect the scout master really wants ADM for himself ??! It will probably be a completely fixed auction....

( and yes I did send my son to Beavers and Cubs, perhaps that expalins something, somewhere)

Anne Brooke said...

Ooh, I hadn't thought of that, Cathy - you're probably right! My ex-sister-in-law ran off with the scout master, but that's a whole other story!!