Lordy but it’s been a miserable day today. The shock of being back at work has been almost too much for me and I feel completely overwhelmed and depressed by it all. First off, here’s this morning’s meditation:
Freedom is shaped
They lie heavy
on your shoulders,
prickling your skin
all the steps you take.
Where you thought
to find air and space,
there is only the knowledge
of where you cannot go.
And really the day has been hugely constricting, and is certainly weighing heavily on the shoulders, groan. Too many emails, too many ridiculous demands and way way too many meetings. I hate having more than one meeting on during a day – but today I’ve had to come back to having to minute two of the wretched beasts. And really I’ve had no interest in them. I just wanted to be at home. All quite tearful really. How I wish I didn’t have to work, or I could just do something mindless where I didn’t have to think so much or pretend to be so alert and interested all the time. Personally I think the new buzz phrase of “staff engagement” is far too overrated. Most of us just want to survive the day. Sigh.
I’m also rather fed up with the fact that one of the literary email groups I belong to (which shall of necessity remain nameless) barely responds to anyone not in its small clique of approved people. Naturally that doesn’t include me. Hmm, when does it ever, eh? Very little support there, Carruthers, and it’s not the friendliest of groups. I suspect if nothing changes in the near future, I shall opt out if only for my sanity’s sake. UPDATE: I've left it, hurrah! Such a relief, and at least my email won't be clogged up with pointless, self-obsessed emails any more. If anyone around here is going to be pointless and self-obsessed, well it's bloody well going to be me. Really, I make all my sanest decisions when I'm raging.
Tonight, I was supposed to be going to the University book group, but I couldn't bear to stay at work any longer than I could help it. Yes, I was that desperate to be at home. I dropped in on Gladys on the way though, but she was asleep. And I had a stand-up row with a total tight-arsed witch of a nurse about how one should go in and out of the front door. Really, she was bloody rude to me and I'm glad I shouted back. I don't see why I have to be nice all the bloody time just because I'm female and British, and anyway she deserved it. What a cow. I really shouldn't have to deal with these arses. Yes, as you can see, I have neither compassion nor milk of human kindness for the caring people (so-called) of the planet. Anyway, milk makes me ill, bah.
Roll on the ruddy weekend is what I say. At least there’s Ashes to Ashes on TV though – that’s something then. Sigh.
Today’s nice things:
2. Getting home
Anne's website - definitely not in the mood to be messed with